It has been almost exactly a year since I began this blog.
A year ago, I was at a completely different place in my life. I was nearing the end of Yoni's first deployment, Ze'ev was still a young baby, and in many ways I was still very new to the Seattle community. Through my experiences as a parent, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and a member of the community throughout this time, I honestly feel like I have learned and grown more in the past year than any other year in my life. I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I am finally off to a good start!
There are many factors that contributed to this opportunity for growth. For one, it is the first year since before I graduated high school that I did not move or have a major life changing event (wedding, baby, etc.). Writing a blog during this [relative] lull in excitement allowed me to get in touch with my inner self who I hadn't known so well since high school, and introduce that aspect of myself into my current world view and all of my present relationships.
Recently, however, I have been contemplating the purpose of this blog. I chose the title, "Internalize Each Day." At the time of this blog's conception, I felt like days were passing by like a whirlwind without my appreciation or understanding. I wanted a way to bring substance to my days and document those moments and feelings. I felt that through sharing these experiences with others, it would make them that much more real.
Now, as I feel so blessed to have reached a point of really internalizing the days, I have decided that the next step is to keep them internal. When I have a meaningful or thought-provoking moment with my kids, I might discuss it with one or two people who I happen to talk to that day, and I will probably write about it in my personal journal, but in the past few months I have found that "broadcasting" these moments actually diminishes the amount with which I can really process and "internalize" the experience.
This concept reminds me of a poem I wrote in college. The context of the composition is different from this situation. I wrote it at a time when I was having difficulty finding words to describe the questions and thoughts I had about life. But an excerpt applies to my feeling today...
"...When thoughts try to consult with my heart before coming out of my mouth,
they never return.
In my heart they find a home where they can grow,
where they finally learn...
That it's not words which express these questions.
It's not words which make you understand.
It's that feeling, that can only exist in a heart
That allows a thought to expand
into a feeling of Truth..."
Thanks to everyone who has read this blog, whether regularly or sporadically, over the past year. Having readers out there encouraged me to write and brought me closer to myself and the important people in my life.
:)
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
"Why?"
I love watching my children develop. One of the most fascinating aspects to me is the universal language development.
Adina's first two words (way back when she only knew 2 of them...) were "Hi" and "Yea." That is her personality. It's amazing how early that came out.
Two of Ze'ev's first two words were, "No" and "Mine." Now I am not saying these two words are his personality per say. I believe that having a 2 1/2 year old sister at the time that he was learning how to talk influenced his word choice a bit. Just this week, he started also responding with "Ya." Joy to my ears! For a very long time all I heard was, "No no no no no." He is very cute when he says it, but "Ya" is nice to hear too.
The real thing that has fascinated me this past week is Adina's perfectly timed development. What do all the textbooks say is a 3 year-old's favorite word?
"Why?"
Well, one week before Adina's third birthday, the "Why"'s began. I was giving her a bath one day, and I said, "Please lean your head back."
"Why?"
"So the water doesn't get in your eyes."
"Why?"
"Because you don't like water in your eyes."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Why don't you like it?"
"I don't know. Why?"
At this point I just laughed.
How classic.
And we've been having conversations like this multiple times a day ever since.
Do three year olds really want their "Why"'s answered, or do they just really like asking it?
Adina's first two words (way back when she only knew 2 of them...) were "Hi" and "Yea." That is her personality. It's amazing how early that came out.
Two of Ze'ev's first two words were, "No" and "Mine." Now I am not saying these two words are his personality per say. I believe that having a 2 1/2 year old sister at the time that he was learning how to talk influenced his word choice a bit. Just this week, he started also responding with "Ya." Joy to my ears! For a very long time all I heard was, "No no no no no." He is very cute when he says it, but "Ya" is nice to hear too.
The real thing that has fascinated me this past week is Adina's perfectly timed development. What do all the textbooks say is a 3 year-old's favorite word?
"Why?"
Well, one week before Adina's third birthday, the "Why"'s began. I was giving her a bath one day, and I said, "Please lean your head back."
"Why?"
"So the water doesn't get in your eyes."
"Why?"
"Because you don't like water in your eyes."
"Why?"
"I don't know. Why don't you like it?"
"I don't know. Why?"
At this point I just laughed.
How classic.
And we've been having conversations like this multiple times a day ever since.
Do three year olds really want their "Why"'s answered, or do they just really like asking it?
Temptation to Indulge
By the title of this post, you might think that I am writing about the temptation a parent feels to indulge themselves. It is so easy to justify, "I had a really long day with the kids. I need 6 scoops of ice cream tonight." True, this temptation exists. Except I don't necessarily disagree with this temptation and I go right on and indulge. Maybe that'll change someday, but right now I am where I am.
This month, what I've really been thinking about is indulging children. Ze'ev is still too little to understand the concepts of not having, acquiring, or wanting beyond the immediate moment. Adina, however, has definitely reached an age of having long-term wants, anticipation, and understanding whether or not each and every one of those desires is fulfilled.
Instinctively, I am not one to overindulge my children. In my natural, uninfluenced mode of parenting, I offer something special (brand new activity book, special icecream outing, etc.) once every few weeks. Since these experiences do not take place on a daily basis, Adina's excitement in those moments has always been priceless. Her eyes lit up, her grin spread from ear to ear, and sometimes she even started jumping because she just couldn't contain her excitement.
The past month, however, she has had a birthday, 8 days of Chanukkah and a week with grandparents and cousins. At least once a day, the opportunity arose for me to allow one of those "special treats." Because I see how much she enjoys those moments, I thought, "Ok, so she'll have a whole month of excitement!" and I allowed a lot more than she's used to.
Unfortunately, this did not result in the immense excitement that I expected. Instead, a very sad thing resulted. She became desensitized to receiving special gifts and getting special treats. In a very short amount of time, she acquired a feeling of entitlement. If I don't give her something special, it results in protests.
She has a few more birthday presents coming this week, and after that we are going back to "lockdown mode" for a bit in an attempt to de-program this expectation for "special" every day. I don't want anyone to think I am going to deprive my child. She will not live a joyless life for a month. She will still get to play with all of her toys, have play dates with her friends, eat cake on Shabbat, and all of those things. I am just going to remind her that ice cream every time we do errands and presents to open every time the mail man comes are not expectations that are acceptable in our family.
I hope the "re-conditioning" happens fairly quickly, because I love seeing her get so excited over simple joys when they are special and rare.
This month, what I've really been thinking about is indulging children. Ze'ev is still too little to understand the concepts of not having, acquiring, or wanting beyond the immediate moment. Adina, however, has definitely reached an age of having long-term wants, anticipation, and understanding whether or not each and every one of those desires is fulfilled.
Instinctively, I am not one to overindulge my children. In my natural, uninfluenced mode of parenting, I offer something special (brand new activity book, special icecream outing, etc.) once every few weeks. Since these experiences do not take place on a daily basis, Adina's excitement in those moments has always been priceless. Her eyes lit up, her grin spread from ear to ear, and sometimes she even started jumping because she just couldn't contain her excitement.
The past month, however, she has had a birthday, 8 days of Chanukkah and a week with grandparents and cousins. At least once a day, the opportunity arose for me to allow one of those "special treats." Because I see how much she enjoys those moments, I thought, "Ok, so she'll have a whole month of excitement!" and I allowed a lot more than she's used to.
Unfortunately, this did not result in the immense excitement that I expected. Instead, a very sad thing resulted. She became desensitized to receiving special gifts and getting special treats. In a very short amount of time, she acquired a feeling of entitlement. If I don't give her something special, it results in protests.
She has a few more birthday presents coming this week, and after that we are going back to "lockdown mode" for a bit in an attempt to de-program this expectation for "special" every day. I don't want anyone to think I am going to deprive my child. She will not live a joyless life for a month. She will still get to play with all of her toys, have play dates with her friends, eat cake on Shabbat, and all of those things. I am just going to remind her that ice cream every time we do errands and presents to open every time the mail man comes are not expectations that are acceptable in our family.
I hope the "re-conditioning" happens fairly quickly, because I love seeing her get so excited over simple joys when they are special and rare.
Chanukkah with cousins and life :)
Wow, it has been almost a month since I last made a blog entry! Sometimes, this amount of time elapses between entries because I experience a bit of writer's block. This month, however, that was not the case at all. Actually I had a LOT of ideas to write about. The problem was finding time to write. Thank G-d, I have recently acquired a lot of new students and now have a pretty full tutoring schedule during nap time and post-bed time. Given that I usually caught up on housework and wrote during those times, I now find myself with barely enough time to catch up on housework! And then after two weeks, I found all of the ideas looming over my head to write to be a deja vous from middle school. I used to only write in my journal every 6 months because I felt like I had to capture every aspect of my life in my journal. If too many days went by without writing, the thought of capturing every aspect of all of the days passed was way too overwhelming, so I just didn't write at all.
When I found a half hour of time to write, I had two blog ideas! Which one would I write first? I'll just wait, I decided, until I have enough time to write everything I want.
Well the ideas piled up and the time never came, so I decided that I will slowly start catching up on some of the ideas I had wanted to write about.
Before that though, a little update on our Chanukkah. We went down to Dallas a couple weeks ago to spend some time with Yoni's family. We were there for the first three nights of Chanukkah and the kids absolutely loved the time with family and cousins.
Now we are back to normal life for a few weeks. Especially normal, because Yoni's actually going on a trip for the first time in two months... we've gotten quite spoiled with him home so much! But I guess it is time for me to remember how to function on my own again, at least for a week.
When I found a half hour of time to write, I had two blog ideas! Which one would I write first? I'll just wait, I decided, until I have enough time to write everything I want.
Well the ideas piled up and the time never came, so I decided that I will slowly start catching up on some of the ideas I had wanted to write about.
Before that though, a little update on our Chanukkah. We went down to Dallas a couple weeks ago to spend some time with Yoni's family. We were there for the first three nights of Chanukkah and the kids absolutely loved the time with family and cousins.
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| Adina and cousin Yael playing piano together |
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| Ze'ev and cousin Gavi as pilots :) |
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| The three girls in matching outfits playing in a wading pool |
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| A picture I took of Adina and Ze'ev today... Adina just got earrings for her 3rd birthday. :) |
Now we are back to normal life for a few weeks. Especially normal, because Yoni's actually going on a trip for the first time in two months... we've gotten quite spoiled with him home so much! But I guess it is time for me to remember how to function on my own again, at least for a week.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
"...And it was Good."
Just over a month ago, after the holiday of Simchat Torah, we finished our yearly cycle of reading the Torah and started anew. The first parasha, "Bereishit" (literally "In the Beginning", often translated as "Genesis"), recounts creation. The levels of depth in these lines are infinite.
This year, one particular concept was brought to my attention. About (almost) each thing created, it says, "Let there be...", "And there was...", and "It was good."
In his new book, "Covenant and Conversation," Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (Chief Rabbi of the UK), wrote a beautiful explanation of this concept. Whenever I include quotes in my explanation and application of this concept, it is from his book.
On a fundamental level, this account of Creation lays the groundwork for a Jewish approach to life. Life and the world are seen as inherently Good.
This begs the question, "If everything was created Good, how do people become evil?" Rabbi Sacks claims, "Their tragedy was that often they came from dysfunctional families in difficult conditions. No one took the time to care for them, support them ... They lacked a basic self-respect, a sense of their own worth. No one ever told them that they were good." This description refers to extreme cases, such as criminal offenders.
So if ignoring the good in an individual makes one being evil, how can we make people great?
By acknowledging the good in them.
"To see someone is good and to say so is a creative act - one of the great creative acts. ... Within almost all of us is something positive and unique, but which is all too easily injured, and which only grows when exposed to the sunlight of someone else's recognition and praise. To see the good in others and let them see themselves in the mirror of our regard is to help someone grow to become the best they can be. 'Greater,' says the Talmud, 'is one who causes others to do good than one who does good himself.' To help others become what they can be is to give birth to creativity in someone else's soul. This is done not by criticism or negativity but by searching out the good in others, and helping them see it, recognize it, own it, and live it." ... "When we recognize the goodness in someone, we do more than create it, we help it to become creative. This is what G-d does for us, and what He calls us to do for others."
I think this is a very powerful message for parenting. So often, parents feel an urge to criticize the things their child does wrong. Whether it's something simple, "You put your shirt on backwards again." Or something more damaging. Think of how good our children would feel if we acknowledged the good in everything they do. Recognize the positive effort, "Wow, you put your shirt on all by yourself! Can I help you turn it around the right way?"
I can only imagine the potential for this strategy as children get older. When children have hobbies and talents that begin to develop, a parent cheer leader and advocate (in a healthy way of course) can make the child truly feel GOOD.
Beyond parenting, this concept can be applied to all relationships in life. With parents and friends, it is not only important to see the good in them, but to tell them that you recognize it. By pointing out a good quality, it brings it to their attention. On one hand, it makes them feel good. Further, sometimes your acknowledgement of their strength causes them to feel a healthy sense of pride and exude that strength to a greater extent. You therefore make a contribution to the good they bring into the world. This is just about as close as we can get in this world to emulating Divine Creation.
This year, one particular concept was brought to my attention. About (almost) each thing created, it says, "Let there be...", "And there was...", and "It was good."
In his new book, "Covenant and Conversation," Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (Chief Rabbi of the UK), wrote a beautiful explanation of this concept. Whenever I include quotes in my explanation and application of this concept, it is from his book.
On a fundamental level, this account of Creation lays the groundwork for a Jewish approach to life. Life and the world are seen as inherently Good.
This begs the question, "If everything was created Good, how do people become evil?" Rabbi Sacks claims, "Their tragedy was that often they came from dysfunctional families in difficult conditions. No one took the time to care for them, support them ... They lacked a basic self-respect, a sense of their own worth. No one ever told them that they were good." This description refers to extreme cases, such as criminal offenders.
So if ignoring the good in an individual makes one being evil, how can we make people great?
By acknowledging the good in them.
"To see someone is good and to say so is a creative act - one of the great creative acts. ... Within almost all of us is something positive and unique, but which is all too easily injured, and which only grows when exposed to the sunlight of someone else's recognition and praise. To see the good in others and let them see themselves in the mirror of our regard is to help someone grow to become the best they can be. 'Greater,' says the Talmud, 'is one who causes others to do good than one who does good himself.' To help others become what they can be is to give birth to creativity in someone else's soul. This is done not by criticism or negativity but by searching out the good in others, and helping them see it, recognize it, own it, and live it." ... "When we recognize the goodness in someone, we do more than create it, we help it to become creative. This is what G-d does for us, and what He calls us to do for others."
I think this is a very powerful message for parenting. So often, parents feel an urge to criticize the things their child does wrong. Whether it's something simple, "You put your shirt on backwards again." Or something more damaging. Think of how good our children would feel if we acknowledged the good in everything they do. Recognize the positive effort, "Wow, you put your shirt on all by yourself! Can I help you turn it around the right way?"
I can only imagine the potential for this strategy as children get older. When children have hobbies and talents that begin to develop, a parent cheer leader and advocate (in a healthy way of course) can make the child truly feel GOOD.
Beyond parenting, this concept can be applied to all relationships in life. With parents and friends, it is not only important to see the good in them, but to tell them that you recognize it. By pointing out a good quality, it brings it to their attention. On one hand, it makes them feel good. Further, sometimes your acknowledgement of their strength causes them to feel a healthy sense of pride and exude that strength to a greater extent. You therefore make a contribution to the good they bring into the world. This is just about as close as we can get in this world to emulating Divine Creation.
Instilling Gratitude
Adina is finally reaching an age where she can make positive contributions to projects that we do together. Not only is she getting better with coloring, cutting, and gluing, but I see a blossoming in her ideas as well.
This week, I decided to do a Thanksgiving project with her. She doesn't really get the connection of the turkey animal to the turkey we eat yet, and I thought this whole concept would confuse her a bit. So instead, I decided to do a "Thankful Project." For the past week, at random points throughout the day, I would tell her something I was thankful for and ask her to do this as well. While I have taught her to say, "Thank you," when given something, we had never before discussed the feeling of gratitude.
Yesterday, for our morning activity, we made an "Adina Tree" and a "Mommy Tree" by tracing our hands and arms. Then, while Adina colored the "sunshine" all around the trees, I cut out leaves. (She could relate to this project because she has been very into noticing the changing colors of the leaves and pointing out whether trees still have leaves or if they've lost them all already). Before she glued each leaf on her tree, I asked her to tell me one thing she is thankful for. It was slow going at first, but then she kept saying so many more that I needed to add "stickers" to her finger because we were out of leaves.
At first, I thought he was asking questions to try to figure out if there was a reason for my not so cheerful mood. Then I realized he was giving me perspective. Yes, there were a couple of things to complain about. But look at all of the things to be thankful for! Just a few hours before, I had sat down with Adina discussing how many things we should be thankful for, and here she sees me telling Aba all the negatives.
This week, I decided to do a Thanksgiving project with her. She doesn't really get the connection of the turkey animal to the turkey we eat yet, and I thought this whole concept would confuse her a bit. So instead, I decided to do a "Thankful Project." For the past week, at random points throughout the day, I would tell her something I was thankful for and ask her to do this as well. While I have taught her to say, "Thank you," when given something, we had never before discussed the feeling of gratitude.
Now this project is all well and good, but the lesson for Mommy came later in the day.
Nap time didn't go quite as planned. I felt tired. The house was a mess and getting messier.
Yoni came home right in the middle of it.
Cheerfully, he asked, "How was your day sweetie?"
Poor guy. I started in on my laundry list of complaints.
Yoni calmly sat down and said to me, "Do you feel ok?"
"Yes," I responded.
"And the kids are healthy?" He asked.
"Yes, they are."
"Did you eat a good lunch and breakfast today?"
At first, I thought he was asking questions to try to figure out if there was a reason for my not so cheerful mood. Then I realized he was giving me perspective. Yes, there were a couple of things to complain about. But look at all of the things to be thankful for! Just a few hours before, I had sat down with Adina discussing how many things we should be thankful for, and here she sees me telling Aba all the negatives.
It seems as though the best way to teach children gratitude is to constantly dwell on things we are grateful for ourselves. Making thankful trees for art projects are fun, but I need to internalize the concept so that I can impart it on my kids. Lesson learned. :)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
A parent-child relationship: Mutual respect
Parents have a lot of responsibilities when it comes to child-rearing!
Yes, there are the responsibilities to feed, clothe, provide shelter, etc. to your children. Those are the easy ones. The hard ones don't come with such black and white, yes or no guidelines.
One particular responsibility that I have been thinking about a lot the past couple of days is teaching children what it is to respect. First and foremost, this begins with respecting their parents. Once that is mastered, this education extends to other adults, their friends, and everyone in the world around them.
Since it is very well-known that children do not learn from lectures, giving over a dissertation on the process of respect would be completely meaningless. How can one impart this very important lesson to their children?
Yesterday, as I thought about this concept, it all came together. Children are sponges, right? So the most important contribution to their lessons in respect must be observing respectful interactions. Yes, this of course means watching their parents treat others with respect. But arguably more important it means being treated with respect themselves. Not only does this serve to model how one acts respectably, but it also shows them how good it feels to be respected (on the receiving end). As much as people deny it, on a deep level children ultimately want to make their parents feel good. If they know how good it feels to be respected then they will treat their parents (and eventually others) in that same way.
So how do we treat children with respect?
It starts from infancy. The Baby Whisperer is very big on respect for infants. When you change a baby's diaper, talk through what you are going to do in the process. Show respect for the fact that you are throwing a baby onto a table, spreading his/her legs and making their wet tushie cold by taking the diaper off. Say, "I know this isn't so pleasant, but it's important to do so I can put a new, clean diaper on you and then you will be happy."
No matter how you decide to teach your child good sleeping habits, do it in a respectful way. While I am not necessarily of the "Cry it out" camp, I understand the rationale of those who are. If you believe in letting your baby cry, this might sound silly, but discuss it first. Show them the respect of acknowledging that they are a person with emotions that is about to undergo a difficult experience. Say, "It is very important that you learn how to sleep well. I have decided to let you stay in your crib until you fall asleep. I know this is difficult, and I want you to know that I love you very much, but I won't come back in the room until you wake up." Whether the child understands what you are saying or not, you are setting the tone for a lifelong relationship of mutual respect.
Into toddlerhood, this gets a lot more complicated because it becomes a two-way conversation. If I want Adina to use "manner words" when she makes requests of me, I must do the same when I make requests of her. If I want her to listen to me and do what I say, I must respect her when she asks me to do things. This does not mean I must curtail to her every beck and call. If she says, "Mommy, can I please eat five cupcakes right now?" I am not going to say, "Of course sweetie." But I am not going to respond with a harsh, "No!" either. I will respectfully decline her request. I might say, "I know those cupcakes look really good, but I don't think it is a good idea to eat five of them. Maybe you can have one right now and we will save another one for a special treat on Shabbat."
If this is the kind of modeling behavior she observes, then I can only hope that when I say, "Adina, can you please do...." she will respond respectfully. She might respond affirmatively, or she might say, "Mommy, I don't want to do that right now" and open the grounds for a respectful conversation. Since she is still 2, I will of course receive the occasional, "NO!" but I can only hope this decreases as she gets older. I know a few moms who are experts at imbibing their children with respect, and thank G-d, their elementary aged children are some of the most respectful people, let alone children, that I know. I can only hope I will be able to do half as good of a job in teaching respect to my own children.
A few other thoughts on internalizing a respect for your children...
About six months ago, I made a resolution to not speak negatively about Adina in her presence. It is very common during play dates or get togethers for the Moms to discuss their child's behavior within earshot of the child. While the child might be playing, their ears are still open. I still find myself doing this sometimes, but I am working really hard to stop it. The truth is, I ultimately want to avoid sharing negative components of my children's behavior at all with other people, unless it is with my husband or a close friend and for a constructive purpose.
In Judaism, there is a concept of Lashon Hara. This literally means, "Bad language," but it refers to using your words for an unnecessary or negative purpose. Speaking Lashon Hara is forbidden in Jewish Law. Most often, people view this Law as an instruction to refrain from gossip, but people rarely consider it gossip if they are speaking about their own children. But the truth is, children also feel embarassment. Children also feel shame. If children feel embarrassed at the hand of their own parent, the one who is supposed to love and protect them more than anyone in the world, it undermines any feeling they could have of being respected by their parent.
L'havdil (in a very different, but similar vein...)
Some of my clarity on this topic came about through experiences we had with Libby this week. The past few months, Libby has become a progressively more difficult dog. She was becoming very anxious. Every time we left the house, she barked uncontrollably. Multiple nights a week, she would bark and wake us up at 3 AM. I don't have any young babies at home right now, and being awake from 3-5 AM with a dog was not so much fun. I was at wits' end and on the verge of finding her a new home...
Then Yoni's parents came to visit for a long weekend. Libby slept next to their bed (and in the bed whenever Yoni's Dad had to leave the room for a few minutes...) and during those few days, her anxiety nearly disappeared. She sat quietly at the door and watched us leave time and again without a peep.
So after they left, and we really acknowledged the stark contrast in Libby's behavior, Yoni reluctantly made a suggestion. He asked, "Can Libby sleep in our room?" I have been resisting this for a very long time from the negative experiences I had during our transition to Seattle. When we lived in a small "Temporary Living Facility" in Altus, Oklahoma for a few months, I was very pregnant (with Ze'ev), sleeping on a pull out couch and Libby had to be in the room with us. Libby was anxious from all the transitions and woke us up multiple times a night. But what could be worse than her barking now? So I agreed to try it. She has been the happiest doggy I have ever seen this week. She sleeps quietly on our floor all night and is perfectly fine every time we leave the house during the day. She is even significantly calmer with guests because she is not craving love and attention. The truth is, we are not even actively giving her much more love, but simply sleeping in close proximity to her "masters" makes her feel loved and secure.
This is not meant to be an endorsement of co-sleeping, but simply an observation. For months, I tried to teach her how I wanted her to behave with force. Every time she barked, I got in her face and said, "NO BARK!" She didn't want to bark, but her emotions were out of control from not feeling loved and it was her only outlet. Now, she is so happy to finally feel in control of herself since the anxiety has subsided. She is so happy to please us by obeying our commands. All she needed was to feel loved and respected.
The good thing with Libby is that dogs have very poor, short-term memories. She now acts as if we've treated her like this her whole life and never left her to sleep alone. Children can be slightly less forgiving. But resolve and persistence can go a long way.
Yes, there are the responsibilities to feed, clothe, provide shelter, etc. to your children. Those are the easy ones. The hard ones don't come with such black and white, yes or no guidelines.
One particular responsibility that I have been thinking about a lot the past couple of days is teaching children what it is to respect. First and foremost, this begins with respecting their parents. Once that is mastered, this education extends to other adults, their friends, and everyone in the world around them.
Since it is very well-known that children do not learn from lectures, giving over a dissertation on the process of respect would be completely meaningless. How can one impart this very important lesson to their children?
Yesterday, as I thought about this concept, it all came together. Children are sponges, right? So the most important contribution to their lessons in respect must be observing respectful interactions. Yes, this of course means watching their parents treat others with respect. But arguably more important it means being treated with respect themselves. Not only does this serve to model how one acts respectably, but it also shows them how good it feels to be respected (on the receiving end). As much as people deny it, on a deep level children ultimately want to make their parents feel good. If they know how good it feels to be respected then they will treat their parents (and eventually others) in that same way.
So how do we treat children with respect?
It starts from infancy. The Baby Whisperer is very big on respect for infants. When you change a baby's diaper, talk through what you are going to do in the process. Show respect for the fact that you are throwing a baby onto a table, spreading his/her legs and making their wet tushie cold by taking the diaper off. Say, "I know this isn't so pleasant, but it's important to do so I can put a new, clean diaper on you and then you will be happy."
No matter how you decide to teach your child good sleeping habits, do it in a respectful way. While I am not necessarily of the "Cry it out" camp, I understand the rationale of those who are. If you believe in letting your baby cry, this might sound silly, but discuss it first. Show them the respect of acknowledging that they are a person with emotions that is about to undergo a difficult experience. Say, "It is very important that you learn how to sleep well. I have decided to let you stay in your crib until you fall asleep. I know this is difficult, and I want you to know that I love you very much, but I won't come back in the room until you wake up." Whether the child understands what you are saying or not, you are setting the tone for a lifelong relationship of mutual respect.
Into toddlerhood, this gets a lot more complicated because it becomes a two-way conversation. If I want Adina to use "manner words" when she makes requests of me, I must do the same when I make requests of her. If I want her to listen to me and do what I say, I must respect her when she asks me to do things. This does not mean I must curtail to her every beck and call. If she says, "Mommy, can I please eat five cupcakes right now?" I am not going to say, "Of course sweetie." But I am not going to respond with a harsh, "No!" either. I will respectfully decline her request. I might say, "I know those cupcakes look really good, but I don't think it is a good idea to eat five of them. Maybe you can have one right now and we will save another one for a special treat on Shabbat."
If this is the kind of modeling behavior she observes, then I can only hope that when I say, "Adina, can you please do...." she will respond respectfully. She might respond affirmatively, or she might say, "Mommy, I don't want to do that right now" and open the grounds for a respectful conversation. Since she is still 2, I will of course receive the occasional, "NO!" but I can only hope this decreases as she gets older. I know a few moms who are experts at imbibing their children with respect, and thank G-d, their elementary aged children are some of the most respectful people, let alone children, that I know. I can only hope I will be able to do half as good of a job in teaching respect to my own children.
A few other thoughts on internalizing a respect for your children...
About six months ago, I made a resolution to not speak negatively about Adina in her presence. It is very common during play dates or get togethers for the Moms to discuss their child's behavior within earshot of the child. While the child might be playing, their ears are still open. I still find myself doing this sometimes, but I am working really hard to stop it. The truth is, I ultimately want to avoid sharing negative components of my children's behavior at all with other people, unless it is with my husband or a close friend and for a constructive purpose.
In Judaism, there is a concept of Lashon Hara. This literally means, "Bad language," but it refers to using your words for an unnecessary or negative purpose. Speaking Lashon Hara is forbidden in Jewish Law. Most often, people view this Law as an instruction to refrain from gossip, but people rarely consider it gossip if they are speaking about their own children. But the truth is, children also feel embarassment. Children also feel shame. If children feel embarrassed at the hand of their own parent, the one who is supposed to love and protect them more than anyone in the world, it undermines any feeling they could have of being respected by their parent.
L'havdil (in a very different, but similar vein...)
Some of my clarity on this topic came about through experiences we had with Libby this week. The past few months, Libby has become a progressively more difficult dog. She was becoming very anxious. Every time we left the house, she barked uncontrollably. Multiple nights a week, she would bark and wake us up at 3 AM. I don't have any young babies at home right now, and being awake from 3-5 AM with a dog was not so much fun. I was at wits' end and on the verge of finding her a new home...
Then Yoni's parents came to visit for a long weekend. Libby slept next to their bed (and in the bed whenever Yoni's Dad had to leave the room for a few minutes...) and during those few days, her anxiety nearly disappeared. She sat quietly at the door and watched us leave time and again without a peep.
So after they left, and we really acknowledged the stark contrast in Libby's behavior, Yoni reluctantly made a suggestion. He asked, "Can Libby sleep in our room?" I have been resisting this for a very long time from the negative experiences I had during our transition to Seattle. When we lived in a small "Temporary Living Facility" in Altus, Oklahoma for a few months, I was very pregnant (with Ze'ev), sleeping on a pull out couch and Libby had to be in the room with us. Libby was anxious from all the transitions and woke us up multiple times a night. But what could be worse than her barking now? So I agreed to try it. She has been the happiest doggy I have ever seen this week. She sleeps quietly on our floor all night and is perfectly fine every time we leave the house during the day. She is even significantly calmer with guests because she is not craving love and attention. The truth is, we are not even actively giving her much more love, but simply sleeping in close proximity to her "masters" makes her feel loved and secure.
This is not meant to be an endorsement of co-sleeping, but simply an observation. For months, I tried to teach her how I wanted her to behave with force. Every time she barked, I got in her face and said, "NO BARK!" She didn't want to bark, but her emotions were out of control from not feeling loved and it was her only outlet. Now, she is so happy to finally feel in control of herself since the anxiety has subsided. She is so happy to please us by obeying our commands. All she needed was to feel loved and respected.
The good thing with Libby is that dogs have very poor, short-term memories. She now acts as if we've treated her like this her whole life and never left her to sleep alone. Children can be slightly less forgiving. But resolve and persistence can go a long way.
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