Life as a painting... and where we stand when we view it.

Since my first year in college, when I began delving into the depth of a Jewish world view, I have combined many different explanations and analogies within my mind to understand this world and our purpose in it.

One of the first analogies I heard has always stuck with me.  At each stage in our life, we are drawing a few lines and putting different splotches of color onto a canvas.  Sometimes it can look pretty or seem exciting or boring, or even dreary.  Only at the end of our life can we step back from the canvas to see how all of those random colors and lines blend together to form a beautiful painting.  

This analogy has also helped me at different points in my life when I struggled with emuna (faith).  If I believe G-d's hand is guiding the paintbrush, even those big black splotches have meaning and make a positive contribution to the painting as a whole.

Freshman year of college, on one of my first weekends back home, I tried to apply this analogy to my life with the following poem:

(written November 23, 2004)

Every place has a story.

I walk down the street and memories race.

How can so much meaning

be embedded in a place?

The world is my canvas,

but up to this time

I had only walked along

a thinly drawn line.

And along that line,

I knew it all.

Now reimmersed,

I so easily recall.

With every step I take,

I remember the feel.

My naive perceptions of life

once again seem real.

But although on some layer

that line remains,

the picture around it is forming

and its essence is changed...

Now why have I started thinking of this analogy over the past week?

I've started to look at relationships as paintings.  When we're in the day to day involvements of a relationship, we see only the color splotches and lines.  We see it so close up that a little splotch that's not exactly where it's supposed to be can nag at us or become bothersome.  We analyze the line formations.

When you have a distance relationship for a few months, you take a few steps back from the painting.  You see and appreciate the beautiful picture formed by all those little lines and splotches.  Now, as Yoni has returned home, I try to keep that big picture in mind.

"Did you know what you were getting into?"

In the community where we live, it is fairly uncommon to live a military lifestyle.  People hear how often we will move and how often Yoni is gone and to some it sounds miserable.  Especially if they see me in the moments where I am not holding it together quite so well, I hear the question, full of concern, "Did you know what you were getting into?"  The truth is, I understand where this question comes from.  It makes sense that so many have asked me this, and I am sure if I were in their position I would ask someone as well.  And to those of you that have, thank you, because you inspired me to think about it.

Did I "know" what I was getting into?

On one hand, yes.  Yoni was already in ROTC, so on an intellectual level, I knew that he was going to be in the Air Force.  By the time we got engaged, he had already received a pilot training slot, so I knew that his job would be flying planes in the Air Force.  Yet at our L'Chaim (engagement party) in Dallas, I have a distinct memory of someone coming up to me and saying, "Welcome to the military!"  And I naively responded, "I'm not in the military.  Yoni is."

So to answer the question honestly, No.  I did not know what I was getting into.  Growing up in Columbia, MD, I did not have much exposure to the concept of military.  The most I knew was that we played Ft. Meade for a softball scrimmage one spring.  So I had a pretty steep learning curve once we moved to Enid, Oklahoma and the military became our every day life.  

This realization made me question, "Had I known what I was getting into, would I have made any decisions differently?"  And of course, my answer is absolutely not!  G-d probably didn't want me to know exactly what I was getting into at that point, because I was not mature enough to understand it yet, and He didn't want me to change my mind based on a scary future.  While the moves can be difficult while we are in them, and the separation feels excruciating at times, the end of the year comes and I look back at how each and every experience this lifestyle gives us is ultimately for our best.  These difficulties bring us closer to each other and teach us how to prioritize our lives.

And the truth is, does anyone truly know what they are getting into when they make any big decisions in life? Whether it is a decision to have a child, to marry someone, or even something less permanent like starting a new job, most people embark half-blind.  Before having the experience, it is not possible to have a complete awareness of what the experience will be like.  To make these kinds of decisions, one must combine the intellectual decision with the feelings of the heart.  Does it feel right?  If so, then you need to trust that it feels right for a reason and G-d is with you in the decision.  You will have Guidance and Support along the way.

How I appreciated the smallest ounce of Rachamim (G-d's mercy)...

Today has been one of those days.
Ze'ev woke up early (5:30 early...).  This was not happening for me, so I took him in bed with me and just as he settled back asleep, he got woken and that was it.  5:45 our day began.  I am not going to go into all of the details between then and now, because it's probably not so necessary, but I'll give the highlights - Libby rolled in poop, needing an emergency bath.  Our freezer (full of food) is malfunctioning and they can't come fix it until Monday.  Then, I got Ze'ev to sleep, was making progress in my to-do list for the day, and a handyman showed up an hour and a half late when I wasn't expecting him so Libby barked and woke Ze'ev up very prematurely and now he's cranky... and I am all the while trying to cook for Shabbat and clean the house.
Awesome!
Yoni got quite a few calls throughout this process which sounded kind of like this, "I know you're working, but I just need to complain for a minute so I can continue doing what I need to do."  He tried offering solutions, and I reiterated, "I don't think there's anything you can do.  I just needed to vent.  Thank you for listening, I love you. :)"
I was starting to wonder, "Why all at once?  What else will happen on this oh-so-interesting day?"

And then, as I stood up in the bathroom, both the baby video monitor and my cell phone fell out of my pocket.  I watched in slow motion as they fell toward the toilet bowl.  And with a centimeter to spare, they missed falling into the water and being destroyed.  They clattered on the floor and I felt the biggest wave of relief.  For any of you who think G-d doesn't watch out for us in the bathroom, I think you just might be wrong.  Because He knew my limits and knew I would not have been able to handle losing my phone and the baby monitor on this kind of day!  Thanks for the Rachamim. :)

Now I am hoping that I got all the frustrating, difficult moments out of the way, all in one morning, so that we can enjoy a nice, relaxing weekend!

Things don't always go as planned... or do they?

So in my last post, I was so excited because not only was I getting sleep, but life was returning to routine and I was able to delve into creativity.  Well, since then, in the past month or so, I have had maybe 1 hour of normal routine.  Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but things have truly been abnormally unusual.  I just wrote a journal entry in my personal journal and it took me about a page to spell out all of the unusual circumstances of the past month, but suffice it to say that between sickness and other medical issues and even poor Libby got a UTI, at least one or two things have occurred every week.

So then this weekend, we were supposed to escape it all.  My parents were going to come for the long weekend.  We would have a nice relaxing Shabbat with them, and then Saturday night, on our anniversary, Yoni and I would go downtown and have a whole day kid-free to be tourists in the city where we have lived a year and have yet to explore.

Then Wednesday, I got a call from Dad that Mom woke up with a frozen knee and needed to have surgery on Friday (Thank G-d, surgery went well and she's currently recovering).  Obviously that meant that they could not fly here on Thursday for the weekend.  Ok, so Yoni and I would just have a quiet, relaxing anniversary at home.

Then Thursday Yoni called around 9:30.  "I have good news and bad news.  Which do you want first?"  "Bad news," I said.  He continued, "Bad news is I have to leave tomorrow morning at 3 AM for a trip.  Good news is I get to come home today right after lunch."

At this point, I was so used to things going contrary to my plans that I really didn't even blink an eye.  "Ok," I said, "Let me know what time you'll be home.  I love you, I'll see you soon."

This wasn't quite my plan of how I thought the weekend would go.  But obviously it was the way things had been Planned all along.  I saw that even more clearly Friday afternoon when I started getting a cold.  I realized that after these crazy few weeks, my body is run down.  My immune system is shot and what I really needed was some good R and R.  So instead of a full house, Hashem arranged for me to have a quiet, stress-free, people free Shabbat.  I was in bed at 9 Friday night and got nine whole hours of sleep (for the first time in at least three weeks)!  Saturday morning, I still wasn't feeling great, so I napped when the kids napped in the afternoon.  I was starting to feel better so we went to the park in the afternoon, and then I got in bed early again on Saturday night.  Now, thank G-d, I am feeling like a new person!  Even if we have more curveballs thrown at us from Above this week, I am rested and refreshed and I can handle them now. :)

P. S.  On a lighter note, I have been having so much fun with Adina the past few days.  Her favorite word is "Already" and she uses it in almost every sentence.  Sometimes it makes a lot of sense, like, "I put on my shoes already."  Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense but sounds so cute and makes me crack up, like, "My underwear is dry already,"  or "Ze'ev woke up and we're dancing already."