My new hobby...

A few friends have asked me recently why I haven't been writing as much the past month or so.  While I have had lots of creative juices flowing, I have actually been using a few other outlets.  First of all, I have been doing a lot more writing in my personal journal, which had kind of taken side line since I started blogging.  I have also started a new kind of art that I am just beginning to experiment with.  This first drawing I made for Yoni for his promotion to Captain.  I used pencil and water color marker to draw the C-17 and then wrote Tehillim 121 (Psalm 121) around it in Hebrew and English.  Pardon the glare from the flash of the camera...I probably should have turned the flash off, but this will do...

Then I made another fun project.  I just did this one last week and I already see a few parts that I want to fix up a bit, but here's a picture of the first draft.  I used pastels which I have never used as a medium for art before, so I am just learning.  The Hebrew is the blessings you say after eating food, so I drew foods all around.  If I do an updated drawing in the next few weeks, I will try to remember to post a picture.  I purposely put the pastels on a separate paper from the Hebrew I wrote so that I can redo one while keeping the other.  I hung this on the wall in our eating area as an encouragement to keep with my attempts this year at always remembering to say the blessing when I finish eating.

Photos help remind me where the days go...

The past few weeks (months?) have been a bit of a whirlwind, but we are slowly settling into a bit of a routine.  As I mentioned before, Yoni returned from his deployment the first day of Sukkot.  The holiday lasts 8 days (days filled with synagogue, food, and moving back home from the Air Force Base).  The very next day, Yoni returned to work and found out that the following morning at 5 AM he had to leave for a trip.  Now this trip was only a week away, so compared to the deployment it feels like nothing, but it kind of took me by surprise because I didn't feel like we had a moment to take a step back and relax together at all since his return.  But no rest for the weary - on that Thursday morning, he was off!

During his time away, I had a lot of fun with my new camera I got for my birthday from my parents (Thanks! :) )  Here are some black and white head shots of the kids sitting at the table during lunch time:

And a color shot of Ze'ev enjoying his yogurt...

Looking at these pictures again now, I want to share how much these smiling little faces get me through day after day when Yoni is away.  I absolutely love spending my days with them.  Yes, it is a lot of work!  Yes, I get very tired!  But I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...  I can't imagine anything else bringing me more joy or giving me more fulfillment than raising these two beautiful souls...

The timing actually worked out quite perfectly for me, because just a couple days after Yoni left, my parents arrived for a short visit.  They were disappointed that they missed seeing him again, but at least I had company for the majority of his absence.  Here are some pictures during their time here:

And a black and white shot of story time with Poppy...

Here's another fun photo I took of Adina at the park...

And now, back to life as "normal."  

Just hanging out reading a book

Ze'ev's new shirt celebrating Aba's promotion to Captain during his deployment

A cute picture of Adina hugging her good friend during one of their many play dates

 I hope everyone enjoys the pictures, and as I start getting sleep and rhythm in my life again I hope to blog more regularly. :)

Our temporary dwelling...

After many attempts at getting special religious accommodations and many discussions with his commander and chaplains, Yoni had no choice but to return home with the rest of his squadron during the first yom tov days of the holiday Sukkot (during which we observe the laws restricting driving, phone, etc.).  So the kids and I packed up and headed to base so that we could walk to meet him as he got off the airplane and be there to spend the rest of the yom tov with him.

Thank G-d, all of the intense logistics worked out pretty seamlessly.  I'm not even going to go into all of the details here, because it made my head spin for a week and I don't want to do that to all of you.  But it could not have been done without help.  Some really amazing women (other pilots' wives) from the squadron helped with the kids while I unpacked and then had to switch rooms the next day.  It was also great for my kids to spend some fun time playing with their kids and for me to have some company while we eagerly anticipated Aba's return.

In some ways, I absolutely loved this arrangement.  When Yoni returned, we had a little vacation.  We had a day to completely relax and just spend time together as a family - almost like a mini vacation - before returning home to laundry, unpacking, and cleaning.

The biggest negative about him arriving on yom tov, in my opinion, is we were not able to take pictures of the reunion.  Thankfully, one of the wives had a friend there who's a professional photographer and happened to snap one shot of Adina as we watched the airplane taxi after landing.  I had the sling on to carry Ze'ev, but apparently he was off running somewhere.

Adina was very excited (contrary to her very serious look in the picture), and I knew that she would jump into Aba's arms once she saw him.

I wasn't quite sure how Ze'ev would react.  In the past two months, he has developed intense separation anxiety, and has refused anyone but Mommy.  I was so pleasantly surprised.  Within a minute, he reached his arms out to Aba, cuddled onto his shoulder and wouldn't let go.  Yoni has fed him a lot of meals and put him to sleep the past couple days, and Ze'ev is more than happy to not have Mommy around for all of those things.  Not only is it a little reprieve for me, but it is so nice for Yoni to have this time to bond with him. :)

Now we have about a week home together... until he resumes flying his week-long missions.  But hey, if I can handle 2 1/2 months, a week will feel like nothing!

Life as a painting... and where we stand when we view it.

Since my first year in college, when I began delving into the depth of a Jewish world view, I have combined many different explanations and analogies within my mind to understand this world and our purpose in it.

One of the first analogies I heard has always stuck with me.  At each stage in our life, we are drawing a few lines and putting different splotches of color onto a canvas.  Sometimes it can look pretty or seem exciting or boring, or even dreary.  Only at the end of our life can we step back from the canvas to see how all of those random colors and lines blend together to form a beautiful painting.  

This analogy has also helped me at different points in my life when I struggled with emuna (faith).  If I believe G-d's hand is guiding the paintbrush, even those big black splotches have meaning and make a positive contribution to the painting as a whole.

Freshman year of college, on one of my first weekends back home, I tried to apply this analogy to my life with the following poem:

(written November 23, 2004)

Every place has a story.

I walk down the street and memories race.

How can so much meaning

be embedded in a place?

The world is my canvas,

but up to this time

I had only walked along

a thinly drawn line.

And along that line,

I knew it all.

Now reimmersed,

I so easily recall.

With every step I take,

I remember the feel.

My naive perceptions of life

once again seem real.

But although on some layer

that line remains,

the picture around it is forming

and its essence is changed...

Now why have I started thinking of this analogy over the past week?

I've started to look at relationships as paintings.  When we're in the day to day involvements of a relationship, we see only the color splotches and lines.  We see it so close up that a little splotch that's not exactly where it's supposed to be can nag at us or become bothersome.  We analyze the line formations.

When you have a distance relationship for a few months, you take a few steps back from the painting.  You see and appreciate the beautiful picture formed by all those little lines and splotches.  Now, as Yoni has returned home, I try to keep that big picture in mind.

Comparing a deployment to pregnancy...

A pregnancy is 9 months long and this deployment was only 2 1/2, but in a number of ways, the emotional cycles and the experiences as a whole are surprisingly similar!

THE FIRST TRIMESTER (The first two weeks of the deployment):
To the rest of the world, nothing has changed.  You look the same and they expect you to act the same.  But internally there's a lot going on!  You don't feel so good, and every other thought is consumed with this big change in your life.

In the "first trimester" of the deployment, only my close friends realized that this would be different than Yoni's regular trips.  Most people saw that he had left and thought he would be back soon.  No one realized how long of a time we would have to go without him, yet every minute of every day it was on my mind.

THE SECOND TRIMESTER (The smooth sailing middle month):
This is the best part of the pregnancy!  No more sickness, a cute little baby bump, and life goes on as normal...

Once our initial visits (which helped those first few weeks pass more quickly) were behind us and the kids finally kicked their little stomach bug, we had a good 3 1/2 weeks of routine and happiness!  I got a lot of sleep, worked on creative projects, and time seemed to fly by!

THE THIRD TRIMESTER (Those last few weeks...):
This new part of your life is getting bigger by the day!  You're starting to think, "Enough of this already.  I'm ready for it to be over."  That last week is the worst... everyone you see eyes you, wondering, "When's the baby coming??"

The last two weeks have seemed longer than the rest of the deployment put together.  It's so close yet so far.  And now, as we've entered the week window of his return, I almost feel like I'm at the end of a pregnancy.  The whole community is alongside me, awaiting the reunion!

POST-BIRTH (Together at last):
You hold that sweet little baby in your arms, and the entire pregnancy fades into a cloud of memories...

(Looking forward to this stage, as it hasn't happened yet...)
I see him get off the airplane, he spends time with me and the kids and it's as if he never left...

"Did you know what you were getting into?"

In the community where we live, it is fairly uncommon to live a military lifestyle.  People hear how often we will move and how often Yoni is gone and to some it sounds miserable.  Especially if they see me in the moments where I am not holding it together quite so well, I hear the question, full of concern, "Did you know what you were getting into?"  The truth is, I understand where this question comes from.  It makes sense that so many have asked me this, and I am sure if I were in their position I would ask someone as well.  And to those of you that have, thank you, because you inspired me to think about it.

Did I "know" what I was getting into?

On one hand, yes.  Yoni was already in ROTC, so on an intellectual level, I knew that he was going to be in the Air Force.  By the time we got engaged, he had already received a pilot training slot, so I knew that his job would be flying planes in the Air Force.  Yet at our L'Chaim (engagement party) in Dallas, I have a distinct memory of someone coming up to me and saying, "Welcome to the military!"  And I naively responded, "I'm not in the military.  Yoni is."

So to answer the question honestly, No.  I did not know what I was getting into.  Growing up in Columbia, MD, I did not have much exposure to the concept of military.  The most I knew was that we played Ft. Meade for a softball scrimmage one spring.  So I had a pretty steep learning curve once we moved to Enid, Oklahoma and the military became our every day life.  

This realization made me question, "Had I known what I was getting into, would I have made any decisions differently?"  And of course, my answer is absolutely not!  G-d probably didn't want me to know exactly what I was getting into at that point, because I was not mature enough to understand it yet, and He didn't want me to change my mind based on a scary future.  While the moves can be difficult while we are in them, and the separation feels excruciating at times, the end of the year comes and I look back at how each and every experience this lifestyle gives us is ultimately for our best.  These difficulties bring us closer to each other and teach us how to prioritize our lives.

And the truth is, does anyone truly know what they are getting into when they make any big decisions in life? Whether it is a decision to have a child, to marry someone, or even something less permanent like starting a new job, most people embark half-blind.  Before having the experience, it is not possible to have a complete awareness of what the experience will be like.  To make these kinds of decisions, one must combine the intellectual decision with the feelings of the heart.  Does it feel right?  If so, then you need to trust that it feels right for a reason and G-d is with you in the decision.  You will have Guidance and Support along the way.

New Years Resolutions vs. Rosh Hashana Teshuva

We are now a week into the Hebrew month of Elul.  In the past week, I have been blessed to attain a pretty good perspective on the purpose of this month.  I want to thank all of those who have contributed to this perspective (Rabbi Doniel Frank, through his book "How can I change for Heaven's Sake?", Rabbi Brody's chodesh Elul shiur, and the Tiferet Rosh Chodesh video).

This month leads up to Rosh Hashana (the "head" of the year).  Generally, this month is seen as a month of reflection, and what we call "teshuva."  Teshuva is often wrongly translated as "repentance."  Repentance sounds scary, but in reality it is a very non-Jewish concept.  To repent includes feelings of guilt, regret, and sadness.  The experience of Elul does not need to include those emotions.  Instead, Elul (אלול) is often described by its acronym:  אני לדודי ודודי לי.  "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li."  This means, "I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me."  In an ideal situation, this refers to our relationship with G-d.  The true root of the word Teshuva (תשובה) is to RETURN.  It's as if we're saying, "Sorry G-d, I went a little off the path that I was supposed to be on this year, and I am now finding my way back to You.  I am now figuring out the steps I can take in order to return."

This concept leads to the quintessential difference between the concept of a "New Year's Resolution" and the reflection done in the month of Elul, leading up to Rosh Hashana.  It is the difference between resolutions that are made to make you feel better about yourself compared to those intended to bring you closer to G-d.     If you are generally healthy (someone obese with an eating disorder is a different story), losing 10 pounds will not have a significant effect on your spiritual ascension.  Spending 10 minutes a day in prayer will.  It's the difference between vowing to keep your kitchen cabinet organized and trying to keep your heart and mind organized throughout the year.  It is a process of reflection and resolving on a spiritual plane rather than the physical one.

I would love to hear people's thoughts on these concepts and if anyone is open to sharing, their own reflection during this month.