The deployment begins

The week leading up to Yoni's deployment had such an odd feel to it.
On one hand it was wonderful to have him home so much.  He spent more time with the kids in those last four days than he had been able to do in the past few months (if not more).  I had to mentally balance the joy at his presence and involvement with the nudging in the back of my head that all of this intensive time will make the transition that much more difficult for the kids (and me as well).

We mentioned to Adina once on Tuesday night that Aba would be leaving soon to fly the airplane to help people (in hopes she would start mentally preparing), and she stayed up until 9:30 in her crib "thinking."  Then Wednesday arrived.  Since she had been up so late, we had to wake her at 9:00 AM to get to gymnastics class, and then she promptly fell asleep when she got home, and we had to wake both of the kids at 1:30 to head to the Air Force Base.  She seemed very excited at first to see Aba's work and eat ice cream and see the airplane.

Then we watched Aba walk out to the airplane and waved goodbye.

I really can't decide if this was a good idea in retrospect and if we would do it again.  It made the goodbye process seem very drawn out and dramatic.  At the same time, this environment also encourages a happy goodbye rather than a sad one.  But that seemed to make the next day that much harder for me.

Without allowing myself to feel the sad emotions as I said goodbye, I felt them that much more strongly when I woke up Thursday morning and realized I wouldn't get to see Yoni for a few months.  

This allowed me to see another layer in the beauty of Adina's age and her perspective.  She can't comprehend the concept that she won't see him for such a long time.  She can truly take day by day without seeing the future days ahead of her.

While I was feeling emotional this morning, I had a very important realization.

First let me give a little background on the thought process.

For those not familiar with this time of year on the Jewish calendar, we are currently in "the nine days."  These "nine days" are the days between the first day of the month of Av and the ninth of Av.  The 9th of Av, or "Tisha b'Av" is the saddest day of the year, as we remember the destruction of the Temple (and countless other sad events in history which all occur on this auspicious day).  During the 9 days, the gemara explains that we should "lessen our joy."  We don't listen to music, we don't eat meat, and there are numerous other customs which serve as a constant reminder of the mourning.

This week I read an article on Aish.com, by Emuna Braverman on her experience with feeling this sadness.  She said she could never understand the concept of a "constant sadness" until she had the very difficult experience of losing an infant grand daughter.  Now, she says, at every happy occasion, at every moment, she feels the tragedy.  This, she said, is the kind of underlying sadness we should feel in not meriting to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.

Today I understood what she meant.  Yes, we went about our normal routine, but behind every smile I had an underlying sadness at Yoni's absence.  The world continued on, unaware of our complete shift and transition to an Aba-less home.  But to us it is very real at every moment.

In the moments of tears, I felt for a minute what grief and loss could feel like.  And then I had a moment of intense gratitude that with G-d's help, this is temporary.  This intense sadness will be balanced with an equally intense joy at his return home.

In another Aish article I read today, an author was able to so eloquently convey the beauty of sadness in our lives.

In an excerpt, she writes...

Dear tears, versatile as you are, from somewhere in the past or right here in the present, as you make your way into my life, and then out again, please make sure the trail you leave goes all the way up back to God, so that when I look at you, I can follow your flow. And I can remember where I come from, and where I'm going. And I can remember that everything that transpires is orchestrated by the Grand Gardener who will sometimes water me with tears, so that I can grow...

On "discipline" or "educating" children...

When Adina was a baby I devoured book after book on parenting babies.  While no particular book spoke to me in its entirety, I found gems in nearly all of the books I read.
One of these books (I can't even remember which one anymore...) claims that there are only three things which your baby needs in the first year of life in order to thrive and reach their full potential (full potential of a 1 year-old that is).
What are these three?
1) A lot of love
2) Good sleep habits
3) Good eating habits
The first one is easy. The second two take a bit more work!  Some kids can make these easy on their parents... There are parents out there who get lucky enough to get those 5% of kids who are resilient.  No matter how you parent them, they will sleep well when they need it and they will eat whatever food is given to them when they're hungry.
I didn't get those kids.  Thank G-d, my kids aren't in the other 5% either. That other 5%, on the other end of the spectrum - no matter how one might parent, they can't sleep well and their appetite does not give them enough motivation to eat the food placed in front of them...
For the other 90%, it is up to the parents to condition and teach the children in good sleeping and eating habits.  So I read a LOT of books on sleeping.  I didn't agree with cry-it-out, but I also did not agree with rocking babies to sleep each time they woke throughout the night (this creates a dependency in the child where they can not learn how to sleep on their own without the parents' presence).  This whole sleep issue is not the topic of this particular post, so I am not going to expound on it much more (maybe in another post, on another day...), but the point is that I read all of the different views and created a strategy of my own to teach my children how to fall asleep when they are tired and sleep until they are ready to wake up.

Now, my parenting adventure has taken me into a whole new domain!  Adina is no longer a baby and is rapidly growing into a little child.  I give her a direction, she looks at me, with THAT look, and does exactly the opposite of what I just asked her to do.
So how do I teach her that when Mommy says something she needs to be respectful and listen?
Ready or not, Amazon, here I come!  And my library grows...
Over the past few months, I have read parts of half a dozen books on toddlers and early childhood.  Instead of trying to design the wheel from scratch, making mistake after mistake until I might stumble upon a strategy that works, I figured I would see what other people have to say on raising children...
Once again, no single philosophy jives with me completely.  Some make more sense than others, but I am currently in the process of taking bits and pieces from each to create the approach which works well with my parenting philosophies and my family.

I thought I would share here what I like and don't like from different books that I have read.  If anyone has additional comments or disagrees with anything I write, please share it in the comments.  I would love to hear what you have to say.

The first book I read -

1, 2, 3, Magic!
In a nutshell, this book (which sold over a million copies!) says that children do not have the reasoning capacity to listen to explanations on why they should be acting differently.  If they misbehave, a parent should simply say, "That's 1."  If they continue the behavior, "That's 2."  And if it still doesn't stop, "That's 3." And they are put in time out.  Even after the time out, this book says that no explanation is needed (and would actuallly take away from the disciplining experience).  They had their consequence, you got the message across that they did something wrong, and that is that.
So I tried it for a day...
It kind of worked, but it didn't feel right.  My daughter is only 2, and she already has the ability to comprehend why she should and should not act in certain ways.  It seemed so belittling to me.  And then I was on to my next book and boy did it bash on the 1, 2, 3 strategy.  The main criticism it had was the implications for the future.  Yes, this strategy can work well on toddlers.  But toddlerhood parallels teenage years.  Can you see a 14 year-old taking a parent seriously when they get caught doing something they are not supposed to do and they hear, "That's 1...".  Now is the time to build a deep sense of respect and obedience.

Which leads me to the next book... Love and Logic.
I like a LOT of what this book has to say.  The key here is empathy.  When your child misbehaves, treat the negative behavior as the bad guy (rather than yourself).  "Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry that you did ... ... it looks like you will have to .... (insert logical consequence here)."  The key is to think of consequences unique for each situation that make sense to logically result from the misbehavior.  This is helpful as children grow, because this is the way that the world actually works!  If a 16 year-old is driving down the high way a little too fast, they won't get a warning, "That's 1...".  They will get pulled over and receive a ticket.  The police officer is not seen as the bad guy.  The police officer observed the crime and is doing his job by giving out the punishment for that particular offense.
This strategy requires a calm disposition, a lot of patience and quick thinking.  It is not easy, but I am striving toward these ideals.  As the child gets older, they will see the parent as their partner in the journey through life.
The one component of the book that I do not like is the "energy drain" strategy.  This says that if kids are doing something draining, you should say, "You're draining my energy.  You have to do some chores now to put that energy back into me."  I don't like this for two reasons - 1) It is silly.  2) Adina loves chores right now.  If there's a night that Ze'ev needs to be in bed before she does, it is a humongous treat for her to be able to take a bath with him and then get in pajamas and come downstairs to help Mommy clean before she has to go to sleep.  I do not want to start giving her any negative associations with "chores" (I don't like this word anyways...).

Another book I have been reading has helped a lot in parenting in general, but does not really discuss the concept of teaching a child right from wrong  It gives wonderful strategies to build a child's confidence and sense of self.  This is the book, "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children."  The main gist of the philosophy is that a child is a thinking, feeling being who is entitled to their thoughts and feelings.  How many times do you hear a parent respond to, "Mommy, I'm hungry!" with, "You can't be, I just fed you!"?  This makes the child feel very small.  If a parent does not want to give the child something to eat, they could instead say, "Hm, I hear that you're saying you are hungry now.  I do not want you to eat a snack because I made a nice lunch for you and we are going to eat in 20 minutes.  Do you want to come play a game with me in the mean time?"  The other important message they convey is to avoid using labels for your children.  This of course includes not saying, "You are a bad kid,"  "You are lazy," etc...  But interestingly enough, it also includes, "You are such a good girl,"  "You are brilliant!", etc...
Why?  These labels can be overwhelming to a child.  It is much more effective to describe their actions that you appreciated.  Such as, "You used your brain very nicely to put all of those pieces of the puzzle in the right places."
Even though this book does not deal directly with disciplining, using the strategies to build the child's self worth actually minimizes the number of times I will need to use the other strategies.  When a child feels confident and happy, they don't have the same internal desire to act out.

The book I am reading right now is called, "Bringing up Bebe," about an American woman who moved to France and had a baby.  She is comparing American and French parenting styles.  I have not gotten very far in it yet, but she mentions how there is no word in French that they really use for "disciplining."  Instead they call all aspects of child-rearing "educating."  This makes so much sense.  What is discipline?  Educating your child how to be a good person and behave correctly.  When it is looked at as an educational experience, it is much easier to stay calm when repeating the same directions day after day.  No (good) teacher would yell at a kindergartner for not learning how to read soon enough.  So why should a parent yell at a child who has not yet mastered the skill of following directions?  You just teach again and again, day after day, and one day it will click.
The other big difference she sees between the American Parent and the French parent is how involved they are.  The American parent can be described as a "helicopter parent," always on top of the child, controlling every situation, and correcting every step.  The French parent is much more laid back and only "educates" when necessary.
This concept was particularly interesting to me.  With the baby components of parenting, I was quite a helicopter (and still am to some extent!)  When it comes to my kids' sleep, I will do everything in my control to make sure they get it and get it well.  Part of this is selfish, because they are different children if they get woken up prematurely.  They don't eat well, don't listen, and are just flat out grumpy.  But when it comes to all other aspects of parenting, I am trying very hard to let them do their own thing.  I try not to hover, and not to remove any obstacles which could get in the way.

I am excited to see how this process continues to unfold, as I read more and learn how different strategies affect the long-term behavior trends of the children.

This whole experience has been one more example of how being a stay-at-home Mom is the most challenging and intellectually stimulating job that I could imagine having at this point in my life.

"My baby misses my Aba"

The first few times Yoni went away on trips for the Air Force, Adina had a tough time.  She was almost two years old and she couldn't quite understand the concept of going away and coming back home.  Each time he left, she got devastated and each time he came home she spent almost an entire day being mad at him.  Eventually she started getting the hang of it.  She still could not verbalize her feelings, but she started giving him really big hugs the day before he left, going about life normally, and then being happy to see him upon his return, rather than resentful.

This past week I saw a major turning point in her processing of the experience.  On Tuesday, Yoni left in the afternoon.  She was awake, so she saw him put his bags in the car and gave him a hug as he walked out the door.  We purposely try to make these experiences as light-hearted as possible for her.  For better or worse, she will have a lot of goodbyes and reunions throughout her life.  If we condition her to take it in stride, knowing that the separation is temporary and the reunion will come soon, it will make these transitions much easier for her in the long run.  I can not see any benefit to conditioning her with tearful separations at each and every goodbye.  Between Aba's absences and the constant "Hi"'s and "Goodbye"'s from the family we are so blessed to have visit every few weeks, this would create a lot of sadness in a little heart.

On Tuesday evening, about an hour or two after Yoni's departure, Adina was caring for her doll as she usually does (rocking her, changing her diaper, singing her a song), and she walked over to me.  She said, "Mommy, my baby misses my Aba."  I said, "Aw, I know it's so hard for baby when Aba has to go on the airplane.  Does your baby need a hug?"  She said yes, and I gave her and her baby a big hug together.  Since then, once or twice a day, she says to her baby, "Aw, you miss my Aba, here's a big huggie.  I love you."  And then I am sure to give her a hug soon after.  I was so proud of her and think this is a very healthy, good way of dealing with the emotions she feels in Aba's absence.

His next trip is in three weeks and will be a long one - a 2 month deployment.  I pray that I am given the strength to teach Adina the best coping strategies and to help her through the experience while maintaining a positive association with it all.

While Ze'ev is still too young to understand this all on an intellectual level, he is just getting old enough to feel the emotions of Aba's absence.  He knows Yoni a lot better now than he did at the last deployment (when Ze'ev was only 6 months).  I think it will be confusing for him, but probably not quite as difficult as it will be when he's older.  He still doesn't get it quite yet.  When we Skype, he reaches his arms out to the computer and gets frustrated he can't reach Aba, but doesn't know what that means.