On "discipline" or "educating" children...

When Adina was a baby I devoured book after book on parenting babies.  While no particular book spoke to me in its entirety, I found gems in nearly all of the books I read.
One of these books (I can't even remember which one anymore...) claims that there are only three things which your baby needs in the first year of life in order to thrive and reach their full potential (full potential of a 1 year-old that is).
What are these three?
1) A lot of love
2) Good sleep habits
3) Good eating habits
The first one is easy. The second two take a bit more work!  Some kids can make these easy on their parents... There are parents out there who get lucky enough to get those 5% of kids who are resilient.  No matter how you parent them, they will sleep well when they need it and they will eat whatever food is given to them when they're hungry.
I didn't get those kids.  Thank G-d, my kids aren't in the other 5% either. That other 5%, on the other end of the spectrum - no matter how one might parent, they can't sleep well and their appetite does not give them enough motivation to eat the food placed in front of them...
For the other 90%, it is up to the parents to condition and teach the children in good sleeping and eating habits.  So I read a LOT of books on sleeping.  I didn't agree with cry-it-out, but I also did not agree with rocking babies to sleep each time they woke throughout the night (this creates a dependency in the child where they can not learn how to sleep on their own without the parents' presence).  This whole sleep issue is not the topic of this particular post, so I am not going to expound on it much more (maybe in another post, on another day...), but the point is that I read all of the different views and created a strategy of my own to teach my children how to fall asleep when they are tired and sleep until they are ready to wake up.

Now, my parenting adventure has taken me into a whole new domain!  Adina is no longer a baby and is rapidly growing into a little child.  I give her a direction, she looks at me, with THAT look, and does exactly the opposite of what I just asked her to do.
So how do I teach her that when Mommy says something she needs to be respectful and listen?
Ready or not, Amazon, here I come!  And my library grows...
Over the past few months, I have read parts of half a dozen books on toddlers and early childhood.  Instead of trying to design the wheel from scratch, making mistake after mistake until I might stumble upon a strategy that works, I figured I would see what other people have to say on raising children...
Once again, no single philosophy jives with me completely.  Some make more sense than others, but I am currently in the process of taking bits and pieces from each to create the approach which works well with my parenting philosophies and my family.

I thought I would share here what I like and don't like from different books that I have read.  If anyone has additional comments or disagrees with anything I write, please share it in the comments.  I would love to hear what you have to say.

The first book I read -

1, 2, 3, Magic!
In a nutshell, this book (which sold over a million copies!) says that children do not have the reasoning capacity to listen to explanations on why they should be acting differently.  If they misbehave, a parent should simply say, "That's 1."  If they continue the behavior, "That's 2."  And if it still doesn't stop, "That's 3." And they are put in time out.  Even after the time out, this book says that no explanation is needed (and would actuallly take away from the disciplining experience).  They had their consequence, you got the message across that they did something wrong, and that is that.
So I tried it for a day...
It kind of worked, but it didn't feel right.  My daughter is only 2, and she already has the ability to comprehend why she should and should not act in certain ways.  It seemed so belittling to me.  And then I was on to my next book and boy did it bash on the 1, 2, 3 strategy.  The main criticism it had was the implications for the future.  Yes, this strategy can work well on toddlers.  But toddlerhood parallels teenage years.  Can you see a 14 year-old taking a parent seriously when they get caught doing something they are not supposed to do and they hear, "That's 1...".  Now is the time to build a deep sense of respect and obedience.

Which leads me to the next book... Love and Logic.
I like a LOT of what this book has to say.  The key here is empathy.  When your child misbehaves, treat the negative behavior as the bad guy (rather than yourself).  "Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry that you did ... ... it looks like you will have to .... (insert logical consequence here)."  The key is to think of consequences unique for each situation that make sense to logically result from the misbehavior.  This is helpful as children grow, because this is the way that the world actually works!  If a 16 year-old is driving down the high way a little too fast, they won't get a warning, "That's 1...".  They will get pulled over and receive a ticket.  The police officer is not seen as the bad guy.  The police officer observed the crime and is doing his job by giving out the punishment for that particular offense.
This strategy requires a calm disposition, a lot of patience and quick thinking.  It is not easy, but I am striving toward these ideals.  As the child gets older, they will see the parent as their partner in the journey through life.
The one component of the book that I do not like is the "energy drain" strategy.  This says that if kids are doing something draining, you should say, "You're draining my energy.  You have to do some chores now to put that energy back into me."  I don't like this for two reasons - 1) It is silly.  2) Adina loves chores right now.  If there's a night that Ze'ev needs to be in bed before she does, it is a humongous treat for her to be able to take a bath with him and then get in pajamas and come downstairs to help Mommy clean before she has to go to sleep.  I do not want to start giving her any negative associations with "chores" (I don't like this word anyways...).

Another book I have been reading has helped a lot in parenting in general, but does not really discuss the concept of teaching a child right from wrong  It gives wonderful strategies to build a child's confidence and sense of self.  This is the book, "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children."  The main gist of the philosophy is that a child is a thinking, feeling being who is entitled to their thoughts and feelings.  How many times do you hear a parent respond to, "Mommy, I'm hungry!" with, "You can't be, I just fed you!"?  This makes the child feel very small.  If a parent does not want to give the child something to eat, they could instead say, "Hm, I hear that you're saying you are hungry now.  I do not want you to eat a snack because I made a nice lunch for you and we are going to eat in 20 minutes.  Do you want to come play a game with me in the mean time?"  The other important message they convey is to avoid using labels for your children.  This of course includes not saying, "You are a bad kid,"  "You are lazy," etc...  But interestingly enough, it also includes, "You are such a good girl,"  "You are brilliant!", etc...
Why?  These labels can be overwhelming to a child.  It is much more effective to describe their actions that you appreciated.  Such as, "You used your brain very nicely to put all of those pieces of the puzzle in the right places."
Even though this book does not deal directly with disciplining, using the strategies to build the child's self worth actually minimizes the number of times I will need to use the other strategies.  When a child feels confident and happy, they don't have the same internal desire to act out.

The book I am reading right now is called, "Bringing up Bebe," about an American woman who moved to France and had a baby.  She is comparing American and French parenting styles.  I have not gotten very far in it yet, but she mentions how there is no word in French that they really use for "disciplining."  Instead they call all aspects of child-rearing "educating."  This makes so much sense.  What is discipline?  Educating your child how to be a good person and behave correctly.  When it is looked at as an educational experience, it is much easier to stay calm when repeating the same directions day after day.  No (good) teacher would yell at a kindergartner for not learning how to read soon enough.  So why should a parent yell at a child who has not yet mastered the skill of following directions?  You just teach again and again, day after day, and one day it will click.
The other big difference she sees between the American Parent and the French parent is how involved they are.  The American parent can be described as a "helicopter parent," always on top of the child, controlling every situation, and correcting every step.  The French parent is much more laid back and only "educates" when necessary.
This concept was particularly interesting to me.  With the baby components of parenting, I was quite a helicopter (and still am to some extent!)  When it comes to my kids' sleep, I will do everything in my control to make sure they get it and get it well.  Part of this is selfish, because they are different children if they get woken up prematurely.  They don't eat well, don't listen, and are just flat out grumpy.  But when it comes to all other aspects of parenting, I am trying very hard to let them do their own thing.  I try not to hover, and not to remove any obstacles which could get in the way.

I am excited to see how this process continues to unfold, as I read more and learn how different strategies affect the long-term behavior trends of the children.

This whole experience has been one more example of how being a stay-at-home Mom is the most challenging and intellectually stimulating job that I could imagine having at this point in my life.