"Why?"

I love watching my children develop.  One of the most fascinating aspects to me is the universal language development.

Adina's first two words (way back when she only knew 2 of them...) were "Hi" and "Yea."  That is her personality.  It's amazing how early that came out.

Two of Ze'ev's first two words were, "No" and "Mine."  Now I am not saying these two words are his personality per say.  I believe that having a 2 1/2 year old sister at the time that he was learning how to talk influenced his word choice a bit.  Just this week, he started also responding with "Ya."  Joy to my ears!  For a very long time all I heard was, "No no no no no."  He is very cute when he says it, but "Ya" is nice to hear too.

The real thing that has fascinated me this past week is Adina's perfectly timed development.  What do all the textbooks say is a 3 year-old's favorite word?
"Why?"

Well, one week before Adina's third birthday, the "Why"'s began.  I was giving her a bath one day, and I said, "Please lean your head back."
"Why?"
"So the water doesn't get in your eyes."
"Why?"
"Because you don't like water in your eyes."
"Why?"
"I don't know.  Why don't you like it?"
"I don't know.  Why?"

At this point I just laughed.

How classic.

And we've been having conversations like this multiple times a day ever since.

Do three year olds really want their "Why"'s answered, or do they just really like asking it?

Temptation to Indulge

By the title of this post, you might think that I am writing about the temptation a parent feels to indulge themselves.  It is so easy to justify, "I had a really long day with the kids.  I need 6 scoops of ice cream tonight."  True, this temptation exists.  Except I don't necessarily disagree with this temptation and I go right on and indulge.  Maybe that'll change someday, but right now I am where I am.

This month, what I've really been thinking about is indulging children.  Ze'ev is still too little to understand the concepts of not having, acquiring, or wanting beyond the immediate moment.  Adina, however, has definitely reached an age of having long-term wants, anticipation, and understanding whether or not each and every one of those desires is fulfilled.

Instinctively, I am not one to overindulge my children.  In my natural, uninfluenced mode of parenting, I offer something special (brand new activity book, special icecream outing, etc.) once every few weeks.  Since these experiences do not take place on a daily basis, Adina's excitement in those moments has always been priceless.  Her eyes lit up, her grin spread from ear to ear, and sometimes she even started jumping because she just couldn't contain her excitement.

The past month, however, she has had a birthday, 8 days of Chanukkah and a week with grandparents and cousins.  At least once a day, the opportunity arose for me to allow one of those "special treats."  Because I see how much she enjoys those moments, I thought, "Ok, so she'll have a whole month of excitement!"  and I allowed a lot more than she's used to.

Unfortunately, this did not result in the immense excitement that I expected.  Instead, a very sad thing resulted.  She became desensitized to receiving special gifts and getting special treats.  In a very short amount of time, she acquired a feeling of entitlement.  If I don't give her something special, it results in protests.

She has a few more birthday presents coming this week, and after that we are going back to "lockdown mode" for a bit in an attempt to de-program this expectation for "special" every day.  I don't want anyone to think I am going to deprive my child.  She will not live a joyless life for a month.  She will still get to play with all of her toys, have play dates with her friends, eat cake on Shabbat, and all of those things.  I am just going to remind her that ice cream every time we do errands and presents to open every time the mail man comes are not expectations that are acceptable in our family.

I hope the "re-conditioning" happens fairly quickly, because I love seeing her get so excited over simple joys when they are special and rare.

Chanukkah with cousins and life :)

Wow, it has been almost a month since I last made a blog entry!  Sometimes, this amount of time elapses between entries because I experience a bit of writer's block.  This month, however, that was not the case at all.  Actually I had a LOT of ideas to write about.  The problem was finding time to write.  Thank G-d, I have recently acquired a lot of new students and now have a pretty full tutoring schedule during nap time and post-bed time.  Given that I usually caught up on housework and wrote during those times, I now find myself with barely enough time to catch up on housework!  And then after two weeks, I found all of the ideas looming over my head to write to be a deja vous from middle school.  I used to only write in my journal every 6 months because I felt like I had to capture every aspect of my life in my journal.  If too many days went by without writing, the thought of capturing every aspect of all of the days passed was way too overwhelming, so I just didn't write at all.

When I found a half hour of time to write, I had two blog ideas!  Which one would I write first?  I'll just wait, I decided, until I have enough time to write everything I want.
Well the ideas piled up and the time never came, so I decided that I will slowly start catching up on some of the ideas I had wanted to write about.

Before that though, a little update on our Chanukkah.  We went down to Dallas a couple weeks ago to spend some time with Yoni's family.  We were there for the first three nights of Chanukkah and the kids absolutely loved the time with family and cousins.

Adina and cousin Yael playing piano together

Ze'ev and cousin Gavi as pilots :)

The three girls in matching outfits playing in a wading pool

A picture I took of Adina and Ze'ev today... Adina just got earrings for her 3rd birthday. :)

Now we are back to normal life for a few weeks.  Especially normal, because Yoni's actually going on a trip for the first time in two months... we've gotten quite spoiled with him home so much!  But I guess it is time for me to remember how to function on my own again, at least for a week.

"...And it was Good."

Just over a month ago, after the holiday of Simchat Torah, we finished our yearly cycle of reading the Torah and started anew.  The first parasha, "Bereishit" (literally "In the Beginning", often translated as "Genesis"), recounts creation.  The levels of depth in these lines are infinite.

This year, one particular concept was brought to my attention.  About (almost) each thing created, it says, "Let there be...", "And there was...", and "It was good."

In his new book, "Covenant and Conversation," Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (Chief Rabbi of the UK), wrote a beautiful explanation of this concept.  Whenever I include quotes in my explanation and application of this concept, it is from his book.

On a fundamental level, this account of Creation lays the groundwork for a Jewish approach to life.  Life and the world are seen as inherently Good.

This begs the question, "If everything was created Good, how do people become evil?"  Rabbi Sacks claims, "Their tragedy was that often they came from dysfunctional families in difficult conditions.  No one took the time to care for them, support them ... They lacked a basic self-respect, a sense of their own worth.  No one ever told them that they were good."  This description refers to extreme cases, such as criminal offenders.

So if ignoring the good in an individual makes one being evil, how can we make people great?
By acknowledging the good in them.

"To see someone is good and to say so is a creative act - one of the great creative acts. ...  Within almost all of us is something positive and unique, but which is all too easily injured, and which only grows when exposed to the sunlight of someone else's recognition and praise.  To see the good in others and let them see themselves in the mirror of our regard is to help someone grow to become the best they can be.  'Greater,' says the Talmud, 'is one who causes others to do good than one who does good himself.'  To help others become what they can be is to give birth to creativity in someone else's soul.  This is done not by criticism or negativity but by searching out the good in others, and helping them see it, recognize it, own it, and live it." ... "When we recognize the goodness in someone, we do more than create it, we help it to become creative.  This is what G-d does for us, and what He calls us to do for others."

I think this is a very powerful message for parenting.  So often, parents feel an urge to criticize the things their child does wrong.  Whether it's something simple, "You put your shirt on backwards again." Or something more damaging.  Think of how good our children would feel if we acknowledged the good in everything they do.  Recognize the positive effort, "Wow, you put your shirt on all by yourself!  Can I help you turn it around the right way?"

I can only imagine the potential for this strategy as children get older.  When children have hobbies and talents that begin to develop, a parent cheer leader and advocate (in a healthy way of course) can make the child truly feel GOOD.

Beyond parenting, this concept can be applied to all relationships in life.  With parents and friends, it is not only important to see the good in them, but to tell them that you recognize it.  By pointing out a good quality, it brings it to their attention.  On one hand, it makes them feel good.  Further, sometimes your acknowledgement of their strength causes them to feel a healthy sense of pride and exude that strength to a greater extent.  You therefore make a contribution to the good they bring into the world. This is just about as close as we can get in this world to emulating Divine Creation.

Instilling Gratitude

Adina is finally reaching an age where she can make positive contributions to projects that we do together.  Not only is she getting better with coloring, cutting, and gluing, but I see a blossoming in her ideas as well.

This week, I decided to do a Thanksgiving project with her.  She doesn't really get the connection of the turkey animal to the turkey we eat yet, and I thought this whole concept would confuse her a bit.  So instead, I decided to do a "Thankful Project."  For the past week, at random points throughout the day, I would tell her something I was thankful for and ask her to do this as well.  While I have taught her to say, "Thank you," when given something, we had never before discussed the feeling of gratitude.

Yesterday, for our morning activity, we made an "Adina Tree" and a "Mommy Tree" by tracing our hands and arms.  Then, while Adina colored the "sunshine" all around the trees, I cut out leaves.  (She could relate to this project because she has been very into noticing the changing colors of the leaves and pointing out whether trees still have leaves or if they've lost them all already).  Before she glued each leaf on her tree, I asked her to tell me one thing she is thankful for.  It was slow going at first, but then she kept saying so many more that I needed to add "stickers" to her finger because we were out of leaves.

Now this project is all well and good, but the lesson for Mommy came later in the day.

Nap time didn't go quite as planned.  I felt tired.  The house was a mess and getting messier.

Yoni came home right in the middle of it.

Cheerfully, he asked, "How was your day sweetie?"

Poor guy.  I started in on my laundry list of complaints.

Yoni calmly sat down and said to me, "Do you feel ok?"

"Yes," I responded.

"And the kids are healthy?" He asked.

"Yes, they are."

"Did you eat a good lunch and breakfast today?"

At first, I thought he was asking questions to try to figure out if there was a reason for my not so cheerful mood.  Then I realized he was giving me perspective.  Yes, there were a couple of things to complain about. But look at all of the things to be thankful for!  Just a few hours before, I had sat down with Adina discussing how many things we should be thankful for, and here she sees me telling Aba all the negatives.

It seems as though the best way to teach children gratitude is to constantly dwell on things we are grateful for ourselves.  Making thankful trees for art projects are fun, but I need to internalize the concept so that I can impart it on my kids.  Lesson learned. :)

A parent-child relationship: Mutual respect

Parents have a lot of responsibilities when it comes to child-rearing!
Yes, there are the responsibilities to feed, clothe, provide shelter, etc. to your children.  Those are the easy ones.  The hard ones don't come with such black and white, yes or no guidelines.

One particular responsibility that I have been thinking about a lot the past couple of days is teaching children what it is to respect.  First and foremost, this begins with respecting their parents.  Once that is mastered, this education extends to other adults, their friends, and everyone in the world around them.
Since it is very well-known that children do not learn from lectures, giving over a dissertation on the process of respect would be completely meaningless.   How can one impart this very important lesson to their children?

Yesterday, as I thought about this concept, it all came together.  Children are sponges, right?  So the most important contribution to their lessons in respect must be observing respectful interactions.  Yes, this of course means watching their parents treat others with respect.  But arguably more important it means being treated with respect themselves.  Not only does this serve to model how one acts respectably, but it also shows them how good it feels to be respected (on the receiving end).  As much as people deny it, on a deep level children ultimately want to make their parents feel good.  If they know how good it feels to be respected then they will treat their parents (and eventually others) in that same way.

So how do we treat children with respect?

It starts from infancy.  The Baby Whisperer is very big on respect for infants.  When you change a baby's diaper, talk through what you are going to do in the process.  Show respect for the fact that you are throwing a baby onto a table, spreading his/her legs and making their wet tushie cold by taking the diaper off.  Say, "I know this isn't so pleasant, but it's important to do so I can put a new, clean diaper on you and then you will be happy."
No matter how you decide to teach your child good sleeping habits, do it in a respectful way.  While I am not necessarily of the "Cry it out" camp, I understand the rationale of those who are.  If you believe in letting your baby cry, this might sound silly, but discuss it first.  Show them the respect of acknowledging that they are a person with emotions that is about to undergo a difficult experience.  Say, "It is very important that you learn how to sleep well.  I have decided to let you stay in your crib until you fall asleep.  I know this is difficult, and I want you to know that I love you very much, but I won't come back in the room until you wake up."  Whether the child understands what you are saying or not, you are setting the tone for a lifelong relationship of mutual respect.

Into toddlerhood, this gets a lot more complicated because it becomes a two-way conversation.  If I want Adina to use "manner words" when she makes requests of me, I must do the same when I make requests of her.  If I want her to listen to me and do what I say, I must respect her when she asks me to do things.  This does not mean I must curtail to her every beck and call.  If she says, "Mommy, can I please eat five cupcakes right now?" I am not going to say, "Of course sweetie."  But I am not going to respond with a harsh, "No!" either.  I will respectfully decline her request.  I might say, "I know those cupcakes look really good, but I don't think it is a good idea to eat five of them.  Maybe you can have one right now and we will save another one for a special treat on Shabbat."

If this is the kind of modeling behavior she observes, then I can only hope that when I say, "Adina, can you please do...."  she will respond respectfully.  She might respond affirmatively, or she might say, "Mommy, I don't want to do that right now" and open the grounds for a respectful conversation.  Since she is still 2, I will of course receive the occasional, "NO!" but I can only hope this decreases as she gets older.  I know a few moms who are experts at imbibing their children with respect, and thank G-d, their elementary aged children are some of the most respectful people, let alone children, that I know.  I can only hope I will be able to do half as good of a job in teaching respect to my own children.

A few other thoughts on internalizing a respect for your children...

About six months ago, I made a resolution to not speak negatively about Adina in her presence.  It is very common during play dates or get togethers for the Moms to discuss their child's behavior within earshot of the child.  While the child might be playing, their ears are still open.  I still find myself doing this sometimes, but I am working really hard to stop it.  The truth is, I ultimately want to avoid sharing negative components of my children's behavior at all with other people, unless it is with my husband or a close friend and for a constructive purpose.

In Judaism, there is a concept of Lashon Hara.  This literally means, "Bad language," but it refers to using your words for an unnecessary or negative purpose.  Speaking Lashon Hara is forbidden in Jewish Law.  Most often, people view this Law as an instruction to refrain from gossip, but people rarely consider it gossip if they are speaking about their own children.  But the truth is, children also feel embarassment.  Children also feel shame.  If children feel embarrassed at the hand of their own parent, the one who is supposed to love and protect them more than anyone in the world, it undermines any feeling they could have of being respected by their parent.

L'havdil (in a very different, but similar vein...)

Some of my clarity on this topic came about through experiences we had with Libby this week.  The past few months, Libby has become a progressively more difficult dog.  She was becoming very anxious.  Every time we left the house, she barked uncontrollably.  Multiple nights a week, she would bark and wake us up at 3 AM.  I don't have any young babies at home right now, and being awake from 3-5 AM with a dog was not so much fun.  I was at wits' end and on the verge of finding her a new home...
Then Yoni's parents came to visit for a long weekend.  Libby slept next to their bed (and in the bed whenever Yoni's Dad had to leave the room for a few minutes...) and during those few days, her anxiety nearly disappeared.  She sat quietly at the door and watched us leave time and again without a peep.
So after they left, and we really acknowledged the stark contrast in Libby's behavior, Yoni reluctantly made a suggestion.  He asked, "Can Libby sleep in our room?"  I have been resisting this for a very long time from the negative experiences I had during our transition to Seattle.  When we lived in a small "Temporary Living Facility" in Altus, Oklahoma for a few months, I was very pregnant (with Ze'ev), sleeping on a pull out couch and Libby had to be in the room with us.  Libby was anxious from all the transitions and woke us up multiple times a night.  But what could be worse than her barking now?  So I agreed to try it.  She has been the happiest doggy I have ever seen this week.  She sleeps quietly on our floor all night and is perfectly fine every time we leave the house during the day.  She is even significantly calmer with guests because she is not craving love and attention.  The truth is, we are not even actively giving her much more love, but simply sleeping in close proximity to her "masters" makes her feel loved and secure.
This is not meant to be an endorsement of co-sleeping, but simply an observation.  For months, I tried to teach her how I wanted her to behave with force.  Every time she barked, I got in her face and said, "NO BARK!"  She didn't want to bark, but her emotions were out of control from not feeling loved and it was her only outlet.  Now, she is so happy to finally feel in control of herself since the anxiety has subsided.  She is so happy to please us by obeying our commands.  All she needed was to feel loved and respected.

The good thing with Libby is that dogs have very poor, short-term memories.  She now acts as if we've treated her like this her whole life and never left her to sleep alone.  Children can be slightly less forgiving.  But resolve and persistence can go a long way.

My new hobby...

A few friends have asked me recently why I haven't been writing as much the past month or so.  While I have had lots of creative juices flowing, I have actually been using a few other outlets.  First of all, I have been doing a lot more writing in my personal journal, which had kind of taken side line since I started blogging.  I have also started a new kind of art that I am just beginning to experiment with.  This first drawing I made for Yoni for his promotion to Captain.  I used pencil and water color marker to draw the C-17 and then wrote Tehillim 121 (Psalm 121) around it in Hebrew and English.  Pardon the glare from the flash of the camera...I probably should have turned the flash off, but this will do...

Then I made another fun project.  I just did this one last week and I already see a few parts that I want to fix up a bit, but here's a picture of the first draft.  I used pastels which I have never used as a medium for art before, so I am just learning.  The Hebrew is the blessings you say after eating food, so I drew foods all around.  If I do an updated drawing in the next few weeks, I will try to remember to post a picture.  I purposely put the pastels on a separate paper from the Hebrew I wrote so that I can redo one while keeping the other.  I hung this on the wall in our eating area as an encouragement to keep with my attempts this year at always remembering to say the blessing when I finish eating.

Photos help remind me where the days go...

The past few weeks (months?) have been a bit of a whirlwind, but we are slowly settling into a bit of a routine.  As I mentioned before, Yoni returned from his deployment the first day of Sukkot.  The holiday lasts 8 days (days filled with synagogue, food, and moving back home from the Air Force Base).  The very next day, Yoni returned to work and found out that the following morning at 5 AM he had to leave for a trip.  Now this trip was only a week away, so compared to the deployment it feels like nothing, but it kind of took me by surprise because I didn't feel like we had a moment to take a step back and relax together at all since his return.  But no rest for the weary - on that Thursday morning, he was off!

During his time away, I had a lot of fun with my new camera I got for my birthday from my parents (Thanks! :) )  Here are some black and white head shots of the kids sitting at the table during lunch time:

And a color shot of Ze'ev enjoying his yogurt...

Looking at these pictures again now, I want to share how much these smiling little faces get me through day after day when Yoni is away.  I absolutely love spending my days with them.  Yes, it is a lot of work!  Yes, I get very tired!  But I can't imagine doing anything else with my life...  I can't imagine anything else bringing me more joy or giving me more fulfillment than raising these two beautiful souls...

The timing actually worked out quite perfectly for me, because just a couple days after Yoni left, my parents arrived for a short visit.  They were disappointed that they missed seeing him again, but at least I had company for the majority of his absence.  Here are some pictures during their time here:

And a black and white shot of story time with Poppy...

Here's another fun photo I took of Adina at the park...

And now, back to life as "normal."  

Just hanging out reading a book

Ze'ev's new shirt celebrating Aba's promotion to Captain during his deployment

A cute picture of Adina hugging her good friend during one of their many play dates

 I hope everyone enjoys the pictures, and as I start getting sleep and rhythm in my life again I hope to blog more regularly. :)

Our temporary dwelling...

After many attempts at getting special religious accommodations and many discussions with his commander and chaplains, Yoni had no choice but to return home with the rest of his squadron during the first yom tov days of the holiday Sukkot (during which we observe the laws restricting driving, phone, etc.).  So the kids and I packed up and headed to base so that we could walk to meet him as he got off the airplane and be there to spend the rest of the yom tov with him.

Thank G-d, all of the intense logistics worked out pretty seamlessly.  I'm not even going to go into all of the details here, because it made my head spin for a week and I don't want to do that to all of you.  But it could not have been done without help.  Some really amazing women (other pilots' wives) from the squadron helped with the kids while I unpacked and then had to switch rooms the next day.  It was also great for my kids to spend some fun time playing with their kids and for me to have some company while we eagerly anticipated Aba's return.

In some ways, I absolutely loved this arrangement.  When Yoni returned, we had a little vacation.  We had a day to completely relax and just spend time together as a family - almost like a mini vacation - before returning home to laundry, unpacking, and cleaning.

The biggest negative about him arriving on yom tov, in my opinion, is we were not able to take pictures of the reunion.  Thankfully, one of the wives had a friend there who's a professional photographer and happened to snap one shot of Adina as we watched the airplane taxi after landing.  I had the sling on to carry Ze'ev, but apparently he was off running somewhere.

Adina was very excited (contrary to her very serious look in the picture), and I knew that she would jump into Aba's arms once she saw him.

I wasn't quite sure how Ze'ev would react.  In the past two months, he has developed intense separation anxiety, and has refused anyone but Mommy.  I was so pleasantly surprised.  Within a minute, he reached his arms out to Aba, cuddled onto his shoulder and wouldn't let go.  Yoni has fed him a lot of meals and put him to sleep the past couple days, and Ze'ev is more than happy to not have Mommy around for all of those things.  Not only is it a little reprieve for me, but it is so nice for Yoni to have this time to bond with him. :)

Now we have about a week home together... until he resumes flying his week-long missions.  But hey, if I can handle 2 1/2 months, a week will feel like nothing!

Life as a painting... and where we stand when we view it.

Since my first year in college, when I began delving into the depth of a Jewish world view, I have combined many different explanations and analogies within my mind to understand this world and our purpose in it.

One of the first analogies I heard has always stuck with me.  At each stage in our life, we are drawing a few lines and putting different splotches of color onto a canvas.  Sometimes it can look pretty or seem exciting or boring, or even dreary.  Only at the end of our life can we step back from the canvas to see how all of those random colors and lines blend together to form a beautiful painting.  

This analogy has also helped me at different points in my life when I struggled with emuna (faith).  If I believe G-d's hand is guiding the paintbrush, even those big black splotches have meaning and make a positive contribution to the painting as a whole.

Freshman year of college, on one of my first weekends back home, I tried to apply this analogy to my life with the following poem:

(written November 23, 2004)

Every place has a story.

I walk down the street and memories race.

How can so much meaning

be embedded in a place?

The world is my canvas,

but up to this time

I had only walked along

a thinly drawn line.

And along that line,

I knew it all.

Now reimmersed,

I so easily recall.

With every step I take,

I remember the feel.

My naive perceptions of life

once again seem real.

But although on some layer

that line remains,

the picture around it is forming

and its essence is changed...

Now why have I started thinking of this analogy over the past week?

I've started to look at relationships as paintings.  When we're in the day to day involvements of a relationship, we see only the color splotches and lines.  We see it so close up that a little splotch that's not exactly where it's supposed to be can nag at us or become bothersome.  We analyze the line formations.

When you have a distance relationship for a few months, you take a few steps back from the painting.  You see and appreciate the beautiful picture formed by all those little lines and splotches.  Now, as Yoni has returned home, I try to keep that big picture in mind.

Comparing a deployment to pregnancy...

A pregnancy is 9 months long and this deployment was only 2 1/2, but in a number of ways, the emotional cycles and the experiences as a whole are surprisingly similar!

THE FIRST TRIMESTER (The first two weeks of the deployment):
To the rest of the world, nothing has changed.  You look the same and they expect you to act the same.  But internally there's a lot going on!  You don't feel so good, and every other thought is consumed with this big change in your life.

In the "first trimester" of the deployment, only my close friends realized that this would be different than Yoni's regular trips.  Most people saw that he had left and thought he would be back soon.  No one realized how long of a time we would have to go without him, yet every minute of every day it was on my mind.

THE SECOND TRIMESTER (The smooth sailing middle month):
This is the best part of the pregnancy!  No more sickness, a cute little baby bump, and life goes on as normal...

Once our initial visits (which helped those first few weeks pass more quickly) were behind us and the kids finally kicked their little stomach bug, we had a good 3 1/2 weeks of routine and happiness!  I got a lot of sleep, worked on creative projects, and time seemed to fly by!

THE THIRD TRIMESTER (Those last few weeks...):
This new part of your life is getting bigger by the day!  You're starting to think, "Enough of this already.  I'm ready for it to be over."  That last week is the worst... everyone you see eyes you, wondering, "When's the baby coming??"

The last two weeks have seemed longer than the rest of the deployment put together.  It's so close yet so far.  And now, as we've entered the week window of his return, I almost feel like I'm at the end of a pregnancy.  The whole community is alongside me, awaiting the reunion!

POST-BIRTH (Together at last):
You hold that sweet little baby in your arms, and the entire pregnancy fades into a cloud of memories...

(Looking forward to this stage, as it hasn't happened yet...)
I see him get off the airplane, he spends time with me and the kids and it's as if he never left...

"Did you know what you were getting into?"

In the community where we live, it is fairly uncommon to live a military lifestyle.  People hear how often we will move and how often Yoni is gone and to some it sounds miserable.  Especially if they see me in the moments where I am not holding it together quite so well, I hear the question, full of concern, "Did you know what you were getting into?"  The truth is, I understand where this question comes from.  It makes sense that so many have asked me this, and I am sure if I were in their position I would ask someone as well.  And to those of you that have, thank you, because you inspired me to think about it.

Did I "know" what I was getting into?

On one hand, yes.  Yoni was already in ROTC, so on an intellectual level, I knew that he was going to be in the Air Force.  By the time we got engaged, he had already received a pilot training slot, so I knew that his job would be flying planes in the Air Force.  Yet at our L'Chaim (engagement party) in Dallas, I have a distinct memory of someone coming up to me and saying, "Welcome to the military!"  And I naively responded, "I'm not in the military.  Yoni is."

So to answer the question honestly, No.  I did not know what I was getting into.  Growing up in Columbia, MD, I did not have much exposure to the concept of military.  The most I knew was that we played Ft. Meade for a softball scrimmage one spring.  So I had a pretty steep learning curve once we moved to Enid, Oklahoma and the military became our every day life.  

This realization made me question, "Had I known what I was getting into, would I have made any decisions differently?"  And of course, my answer is absolutely not!  G-d probably didn't want me to know exactly what I was getting into at that point, because I was not mature enough to understand it yet, and He didn't want me to change my mind based on a scary future.  While the moves can be difficult while we are in them, and the separation feels excruciating at times, the end of the year comes and I look back at how each and every experience this lifestyle gives us is ultimately for our best.  These difficulties bring us closer to each other and teach us how to prioritize our lives.

And the truth is, does anyone truly know what they are getting into when they make any big decisions in life? Whether it is a decision to have a child, to marry someone, or even something less permanent like starting a new job, most people embark half-blind.  Before having the experience, it is not possible to have a complete awareness of what the experience will be like.  To make these kinds of decisions, one must combine the intellectual decision with the feelings of the heart.  Does it feel right?  If so, then you need to trust that it feels right for a reason and G-d is with you in the decision.  You will have Guidance and Support along the way.

New Years Resolutions vs. Rosh Hashana Teshuva

We are now a week into the Hebrew month of Elul.  In the past week, I have been blessed to attain a pretty good perspective on the purpose of this month.  I want to thank all of those who have contributed to this perspective (Rabbi Doniel Frank, through his book "How can I change for Heaven's Sake?", Rabbi Brody's chodesh Elul shiur, and the Tiferet Rosh Chodesh video).

This month leads up to Rosh Hashana (the "head" of the year).  Generally, this month is seen as a month of reflection, and what we call "teshuva."  Teshuva is often wrongly translated as "repentance."  Repentance sounds scary, but in reality it is a very non-Jewish concept.  To repent includes feelings of guilt, regret, and sadness.  The experience of Elul does not need to include those emotions.  Instead, Elul (אלול) is often described by its acronym:  אני לדודי ודודי לי.  "Ani l'dodi v'dodi li."  This means, "I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me."  In an ideal situation, this refers to our relationship with G-d.  The true root of the word Teshuva (תשובה) is to RETURN.  It's as if we're saying, "Sorry G-d, I went a little off the path that I was supposed to be on this year, and I am now finding my way back to You.  I am now figuring out the steps I can take in order to return."

This concept leads to the quintessential difference between the concept of a "New Year's Resolution" and the reflection done in the month of Elul, leading up to Rosh Hashana.  It is the difference between resolutions that are made to make you feel better about yourself compared to those intended to bring you closer to G-d.     If you are generally healthy (someone obese with an eating disorder is a different story), losing 10 pounds will not have a significant effect on your spiritual ascension.  Spending 10 minutes a day in prayer will.  It's the difference between vowing to keep your kitchen cabinet organized and trying to keep your heart and mind organized throughout the year.  It is a process of reflection and resolving on a spiritual plane rather than the physical one.

I would love to hear people's thoughts on these concepts and if anyone is open to sharing, their own reflection during this month.

The weather patterns of life...

A good friend of mine brought something interesting to my attention this past Shabbat.  She mentioned that she saw my last blog post with the poem, and she couldn't think of what to write as a comment.  "It just seemed very emotional and sad," she said.  Then she recalled something from a few months ago (back in the spring).  At that time, she had been going through a difficult time with one of her children and people commented that her blogs were always very gloomy.  Someone even made the comment to her that in contrast to my blogs, which were full of happiness and cheer at the time, hers were that much more depressing...

Now, her life is filled with exciting new things - youngest child entering school, new job, etc. and my life is a little more emotional than it was 6 months ago.  Even though we live in the same city, it seems as though our lives have different seasonal weather patterns.  This analogy seems especially pertinent living in a place like Seattle where the periods of sunshine and rain are so pronounced throughout the year.  For nearly three months, we wake up to sunshine every day.  The days are long and the sun shines persistently.  If a raindrop falls from the sky during this period, it seems out of place, and we know it will soon end.  Then the winter comes.  Every day is gray and rainy.  We don't expect any different.  We accept the gray and rain and know that it will have an end in its own time.  However, if a sunny day does happen to pop in and permeate the clouds, those rays of brightness mean so much.

So it is with our lives.  Each person has their seasons of sunshine and clouds.  Thankfully, we don't go through the same weather patterns at the same times.  As friends, we all balance each other and know that each weather pattern will soon pass, leaving something new in its wake.

A poetic flair on the deployment experience...

It has been four weeks now since Yoni left.  Truth be told, time has been moving at a pretty decent speed.  In these next few weeks, we have no guests, so it will be interesting to see how it feels.

Now that the emotions of his departure are not as strong as they once were, I am working through processing the whole experience.  Last night, a friend came over for a "writing night", and she suggested I write a poem about the experience of saying goodbye.  It actually helped more than I would have thought to express these feelings in poetry.  It felt like the feeling was locked inside of me for the past four weeks, and through writing it down and sharing it with others, the heaviness of the weight in my chest lifted a little bit...

Mount Rainier on the horizon,

the plane looms near.

I await your departure

and stifle a tear.

I hug our daughter 

as she absorbs the scene;

And our sweet baby boy

is naively serene.

You slowly walk by

and I brush your hand;

While my own emotions 

I try to understand.

I want to have strength

for you and the kids;

Weakness is a trait

my intellect forbids.

But as your tan flight suit

walks further from me;

The tears cloud my vision

temporarily.

I grab our sweet kids

and I put them in the car.

How will they function

with their Aba so far?

And what can I do

when they miss you so much?
My own underlying sadness

serves as a crutch.

We'll march on through life,

day in and day out

With an ever present reminder

what freedom's about.

We pray you stay safe

So when Hashem brings you home

My heart will feel full again

and no longer alone.

On another note, next week marks the beginning of the school year here in Seattle.  While both kids are staying home with me, I am going to provide a little more structure to our days and weeks than I have during the summer.  Adina has shown interest in starting "school activities", so we are going to block off about a half hour for "school time at home" every day.  She is starting to recognize her letters and she loves counting and doing projects with different colors.  While she works on her activities, I am going to do some basic stuff with Ze'ev too.  He finally enjoys hearing books now (for a long time he did not want to sit still long enough for me to read to him).  So we will read a few books every day and sing lots of songs with body parts and animals and all of those fun things.  I think it will be a fun activity for Adina to help in Ze'ev's activities as well!

Here's to hoping that this next month "flies" by!



Translations:
Aba - Dad
Hashem - G-d

Divine Providence, Separation, and Unlikely Sources of Inspiration – a Guest Blog Entry by Yoni Goldstein

Well, I have now been deployed for half of a month, and already I have appreciated and missed (dozens of times) the strong, vibrant Jewish community and warm, supportive family in Seattle. Before beginning to record my observations in earnest, I want to express my gratitude for having the opportunity to share some thoughts on this wonderful blog. I hope that you, the dear readers, can gain something from our experience this deployment.

We arrived in our deployed location and within two hours of hitting the runway and exiting the aircraft, I met the chaplain (a fine gentleman) and he informed me that two weeks hence, a couple of rabbis planned to spend Shabbat here on base. Needless to say, tired as I felt, I nearly jumped out of my skin and became overjoyed. How rare to spend Shabbat on deployment with other Jews with whom I had a common religious bond, background, and values set! Very excited, I proceeded to contact the chaplain after the meetings ended and hosted the two rabbis – very nice guys and a real pleasure to host – this past Shabbat. We’ll revisit this topic momentarily.

My biggest concern this deployment remained Shabbat observance, since I had fairly easily figured out the Kashrut issues and I actually have a kitchen where I can cook. Last deployment, I unfortunately had to break Shabbat sometimes (not all the time, B”H) because of our combat operations in and out of theater. Although I have a heter if necessary, I decided this time to do everything in my power – now that I have a little more experience and rank/clout – to keep every Shabbat to the maximum extent possible. Thus far, with 3 Shabbatot under my belt this deployment, I have been successful! Thank G-d, we arrived at our location on Friday morning and not evening, so I had plenty of time to prepare and procure lots of drinking water (Tisha B’Av, a 25-hour fast, fell the next night) and observed Shabbat with little trouble. The next week, however, enabled me to see the Hand of G-d almost openly.

My crew and I flew to Germany for an Aeromedical Evacuation stage mission which lasted about 6 days, conducting sorties in and out of the combat zone. We alerted to the airplane the next Friday, and immediately after takeoff, experienced a catastrophic environmental system failure. We shut down the left side of the environmental system and isolated the problem, but we had to turn around and land. Long story short, we landed in Germany about an hour and 10 minutes prior to sunset and the beginning of Shabbat. We hustled back to the hotel and I got to my room with three minutes to spare, so I set my lights and lit candles just before sunset. Aside from the rushing and hectic Friday, I actually had the opportunity to again observe Shabbat. Yes, I certainly missed my family tremendously, but I saw that G-d granted me a wonderful blessing and I had a very meaningful and Torah-filled Shabbat. In truth, I was slightly frustrated at first when the plane broke and we had to cancel the medevac mission (we had critical patients apparently waiting to be lifted out) but when I realized that I now had another opportunity to keep Shabbat, I did not dare question or pass it up. Dare I say, I maintain that I bore witness to a small miracle. Little did I know that my blessings would only multiply in the next week.

When we returned from Germany on Wednesday, I had not only about 20 pounds of kosher frozen chicken that I purchased there, but I also had several emails awaiting my attention regarding the two rabbis who planned to visit our base. They travel the world every summer as part of a Chabad program supporting small and far-flung Jewish communities. Our base became their first stop in this particular country. We corresponded through email briefly, and when I met them about two hours before Shabbat, I had tears of joy in my eyes at the whole concept of having a quorum with whom to share the sanctity and experience of Shabbat. With a few of the other Jewish personnel stationed here, we had a wonderful Kabbalat Shabbat prayer, festive dinner with copious amounts of L’Chaims, words of Torah, singing, and Michelle’s recipe for honey-soy chicken. The dinner lasted until about 1 o’clock in the morning, and we did not want it to stop! The next day I hosted lunch in my little room with a cholent, homemade brownies, and we had a wonderful experience. To think that halfway around the world, so far from a Jewish community of substance, we could have an authentic, beautiful Shabbat struck me as nothing short of inspirational.

Although I remain separated from my loving, sweet family for the next little while, I find it exceedingly important to retain a fresh perspective and positive outlook on life. One of the ways I have been able to maintain this mentality manifests itself in our basic Jewish purpose: cleave to G-d and become closer to Him. In the sometimes hectic pace of my Air Force career and very busy schedule, something so fundamental slips so easily through the cracks. Here, while I am flying missions regularly and working on my master’s, I miss my family and then I get to thinking about how to become a better husband and father upon my eventual return home. Ray Charles, among others, sung that “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and that certainly holds true. Not only have I realized how much I miss Michelle and the children, I have also come to the conclusion that I must return home a far better man. In an interesting twist, I originally was supposed to deploy and return before the High Holidays. The schedule, however, changed and I am here for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Perhaps I am supposed to take away something from this; how should I utilize my time here, with the holidays, to become that better man? Once again, Michelle showed me the way through her own example and gentle prodding, to take the initiative and draw strength from within.

I have dedicated myself to take advantage of the opportunities here to bring Torah to this place and attempted to grow spiritually. Inspired by the example of my father and brother, two of my biggest heroes, I have begun to study daily one page of Talmud (the Aramaic Oral Law that explains and governs Jewish law and teaches us analytical thinking) and hope, with the help of G-d, to continue this practice as long as I can. In addition, the Chabad rabbis have linked me with the local Jewish community and the base community to organize Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services and blow shofar (the ram’s horn used to sound various blasts and call us to repentence). I never imagined such a thing ever occurring. What a unique opportunity!

A final word, if I may. As a very enthusiastic people-watcher, I have had the good fortune to observe the people in my unit, especially my crew, endure all kinds of stressors and difficult situations, both in flight and on the ground. In “Ethics of Our Fathers,” Chapter 4 Mishna 1, Ben Zoma (a great sage who lived over 1800 years ago) said, “Who is wise? One who learns from every man.” What does this mean? Defying conventional wisdom, a wise person is not one who teaches, but who is always willing to learn. We must be willing to take away lessons from every person we encounter, and in my crew I saw the vast spectrum of personalities, character traits, and learned something from each person. Perhaps the most poignant lesson I learned is the importance of the unique role of every type of person on a crew. We had several emergency situations and during the course of each one, every crewmember approached the problem from a different angle. Through their approaches I learned about them. The analytical thinker in our crew sought to determine the root cause, while the by-the-book, methodical individual broke out the checklists and troubleshot the problem. The emotionally-minded person thought of the mission we had begun and the consequences of turning back. He immediately began coordinating alternative plans and contingencies. Meanwhile, the calmest individual just strove to fly the plane and ensure that we maintained basic flight, navigation, and radio discipline over congested European skies. A hectic 30 minutes though it seemed, I learned so much about how people come together to work well as a team with a common goal, removal of the ego, and melding of personalities. It truly exemplified the crew resource management concept and saved our plane and crew for another day. 

On a happier day... :)

In the days following my last post, I got a number of people calling or e-mailing to check in and make sure I was doing alright.  First of all, thank you everyone for caring and being there!  In a way, I started to feel bad for posting when I was feeling at the low point of the week.  Most of my week, I hadn't felt so frustrated and impatient and at wits end.  But on Thursday I did, and that's when I wrote my blog.  I think subconsciously, I did this on purpose.  As people have since explained to me, I am really good at conveying a facade of being perfectly in control of everything.  The truth is, I always want to feel put together, so even when the stress starts getting to me, I don't allow others to see it so easily.  And then the stress or overwhelmed feeling reaches a certain point where I can no longer completely ignore its existence, and by then my reaction to it is at least a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10!  Sorry for the math analogy yet again, but while my stress level was slowly rising ... 2 ... 3... 4 ... 7 ... 8... I was still putting on the happy face.  Then I hit a 9 and I felt very alone at a 9 because most of the people in my life still thought I had everything in control and I was still at a 2 or 3.

So a part of me wanted to reach out and let people know that one or two days a week, I am feeling pretty bad about Yoni's absence and I need your support.  I know asking for it directly would be best, but I am not the best at asking for things, even when it is things like emotional support.

But thank you to everybody who got the message and gave it to me.  I have to say that since Thursday night, thank G-d, I have been in such a better place.  I attribute this completely to the people in my life who reached out and took some of the burden off of my shoulders simply through empathizing.

We had a really lovely Shabbat.  Thank you Gallors for being so sweet and agreeing to do a later lunch so that my kids could get their normal nap and we could still eat out and enjoy lovely company for the seuda. (By the way, while I was waiting for Adina to wake up because we needed to go to the Gallors to eat, she took the longest nap that she has taken since Yoni left.  I ended up waking her up after over 3 hours....Go figure :-P)

Then today started out disastrous.  Libby woke me up at 4 AM because she was being taunted by a raccoon outside.  It took nearly an hour and a half to calm her down and then by the time I finally fell asleep, I spent exactly 15 minutes in dream land until Mr. Ze'ev woke up.  Then between the heat (Seattle doesn't believe in central air conditioning) and the lack of structure inherent in Sundays, the kids were both in "lovely" moods today.  It could have gotten me down.  But still feeling all of the support shown in the past few days, I dealt with each moment as it came and did not allow myself to get worked up (too much).  Then Sasha saved me from the post-nap "fun moods" by inviting us over to play in their backyard.  (Thank you!!!!)

So where am I getting with all of this?  Yes, I count the calendar each day.  Yes, I calculate how long until G-d willing Yoni will get to come home.  But when I feel support, when I feel like I am not doing all of this alone, when the littlest bits of kindness brighten each day, it makes those days pass so much more quickly and most importantly, so much more happily.  The happier we are, the faster the days will pass, so it is really in my best interest to make the most of each day and find ways to make them filled with joy.

P.S.  The two best practical pieces of advice I received last week, that have already made a big difference:
1) Close the door when I go to the bathroom and have 2 minutes of private time amidst any ensuing chaos.
2) If the kids have eaten dinner but I am counting down the minutes until bath, put them in the bath early and just let them play for a lot longer than usual.  I can even bring a good book into the bathroom and just hang out while they play and play.

Living by the calendar...

I think I have discovered the most negative aspect of having a mathematical brain.  Countless times each day, I calculate the percentage of the deployment that has passed and how far we still have to go.

On Monday, the day after my Dad left, I thought, "Wow!  It's been almost two weeks already!  That's amazing!  20% done!"
But Monday feels like weeks ago and today I find myself thinking, "Wow.  It has been only just over two weeks.  We still have almost 80% to go!"

Thank G-d, when we are in the midst of the days we are generally doing well.  I try to coordinate activities for the kids as best I can, and as long as they get their sleep and are eating well, they behave pretty nicely and make life doable for me.  Unfortunately, on those days when someone doesn't nap so well or someone refuses to eat everything I put on their plate and therefore gets hungry and cranky, I sorely miss having reinforcements!

I have decided that I for sure need to figure out a new plan for these last 8 weeks.  During the week my parents were here things went great.  But the days before that and the days since then, I find myself walking a tight rope, constantly on the verge of losing my patience.  This is very hard for me, because the parenting skill I have been trying so hard to hone in on in the past year has been my patience.  But when it is tested over and over again all day, with no one on my side, and no relief during waking hours, I would be superhuman if I could maintain it.

Now I have to determine the best strategy to maintain my emotional sanity for the rest of the deployment.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. :)

The deployment begins

The week leading up to Yoni's deployment had such an odd feel to it.
On one hand it was wonderful to have him home so much.  He spent more time with the kids in those last four days than he had been able to do in the past few months (if not more).  I had to mentally balance the joy at his presence and involvement with the nudging in the back of my head that all of this intensive time will make the transition that much more difficult for the kids (and me as well).

We mentioned to Adina once on Tuesday night that Aba would be leaving soon to fly the airplane to help people (in hopes she would start mentally preparing), and she stayed up until 9:30 in her crib "thinking."  Then Wednesday arrived.  Since she had been up so late, we had to wake her at 9:00 AM to get to gymnastics class, and then she promptly fell asleep when she got home, and we had to wake both of the kids at 1:30 to head to the Air Force Base.  She seemed very excited at first to see Aba's work and eat ice cream and see the airplane.

Then we watched Aba walk out to the airplane and waved goodbye.

I really can't decide if this was a good idea in retrospect and if we would do it again.  It made the goodbye process seem very drawn out and dramatic.  At the same time, this environment also encourages a happy goodbye rather than a sad one.  But that seemed to make the next day that much harder for me.

Without allowing myself to feel the sad emotions as I said goodbye, I felt them that much more strongly when I woke up Thursday morning and realized I wouldn't get to see Yoni for a few months.  

This allowed me to see another layer in the beauty of Adina's age and her perspective.  She can't comprehend the concept that she won't see him for such a long time.  She can truly take day by day without seeing the future days ahead of her.

While I was feeling emotional this morning, I had a very important realization.

First let me give a little background on the thought process.

For those not familiar with this time of year on the Jewish calendar, we are currently in "the nine days."  These "nine days" are the days between the first day of the month of Av and the ninth of Av.  The 9th of Av, or "Tisha b'Av" is the saddest day of the year, as we remember the destruction of the Temple (and countless other sad events in history which all occur on this auspicious day).  During the 9 days, the gemara explains that we should "lessen our joy."  We don't listen to music, we don't eat meat, and there are numerous other customs which serve as a constant reminder of the mourning.

This week I read an article on Aish.com, by Emuna Braverman on her experience with feeling this sadness.  She said she could never understand the concept of a "constant sadness" until she had the very difficult experience of losing an infant grand daughter.  Now, she says, at every happy occasion, at every moment, she feels the tragedy.  This, she said, is the kind of underlying sadness we should feel in not meriting to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem.

Today I understood what she meant.  Yes, we went about our normal routine, but behind every smile I had an underlying sadness at Yoni's absence.  The world continued on, unaware of our complete shift and transition to an Aba-less home.  But to us it is very real at every moment.

In the moments of tears, I felt for a minute what grief and loss could feel like.  And then I had a moment of intense gratitude that with G-d's help, this is temporary.  This intense sadness will be balanced with an equally intense joy at his return home.

In another Aish article I read today, an author was able to so eloquently convey the beauty of sadness in our lives.

In an excerpt, she writes...

Dear tears, versatile as you are, from somewhere in the past or right here in the present, as you make your way into my life, and then out again, please make sure the trail you leave goes all the way up back to God, so that when I look at you, I can follow your flow. And I can remember where I come from, and where I'm going. And I can remember that everything that transpires is orchestrated by the Grand Gardener who will sometimes water me with tears, so that I can grow...

On "discipline" or "educating" children...

When Adina was a baby I devoured book after book on parenting babies.  While no particular book spoke to me in its entirety, I found gems in nearly all of the books I read.
One of these books (I can't even remember which one anymore...) claims that there are only three things which your baby needs in the first year of life in order to thrive and reach their full potential (full potential of a 1 year-old that is).
What are these three?
1) A lot of love
2) Good sleep habits
3) Good eating habits
The first one is easy. The second two take a bit more work!  Some kids can make these easy on their parents... There are parents out there who get lucky enough to get those 5% of kids who are resilient.  No matter how you parent them, they will sleep well when they need it and they will eat whatever food is given to them when they're hungry.
I didn't get those kids.  Thank G-d, my kids aren't in the other 5% either. That other 5%, on the other end of the spectrum - no matter how one might parent, they can't sleep well and their appetite does not give them enough motivation to eat the food placed in front of them...
For the other 90%, it is up to the parents to condition and teach the children in good sleeping and eating habits.  So I read a LOT of books on sleeping.  I didn't agree with cry-it-out, but I also did not agree with rocking babies to sleep each time they woke throughout the night (this creates a dependency in the child where they can not learn how to sleep on their own without the parents' presence).  This whole sleep issue is not the topic of this particular post, so I am not going to expound on it much more (maybe in another post, on another day...), but the point is that I read all of the different views and created a strategy of my own to teach my children how to fall asleep when they are tired and sleep until they are ready to wake up.

Now, my parenting adventure has taken me into a whole new domain!  Adina is no longer a baby and is rapidly growing into a little child.  I give her a direction, she looks at me, with THAT look, and does exactly the opposite of what I just asked her to do.
So how do I teach her that when Mommy says something she needs to be respectful and listen?
Ready or not, Amazon, here I come!  And my library grows...
Over the past few months, I have read parts of half a dozen books on toddlers and early childhood.  Instead of trying to design the wheel from scratch, making mistake after mistake until I might stumble upon a strategy that works, I figured I would see what other people have to say on raising children...
Once again, no single philosophy jives with me completely.  Some make more sense than others, but I am currently in the process of taking bits and pieces from each to create the approach which works well with my parenting philosophies and my family.

I thought I would share here what I like and don't like from different books that I have read.  If anyone has additional comments or disagrees with anything I write, please share it in the comments.  I would love to hear what you have to say.

The first book I read -

1, 2, 3, Magic!
In a nutshell, this book (which sold over a million copies!) says that children do not have the reasoning capacity to listen to explanations on why they should be acting differently.  If they misbehave, a parent should simply say, "That's 1."  If they continue the behavior, "That's 2."  And if it still doesn't stop, "That's 3." And they are put in time out.  Even after the time out, this book says that no explanation is needed (and would actuallly take away from the disciplining experience).  They had their consequence, you got the message across that they did something wrong, and that is that.
So I tried it for a day...
It kind of worked, but it didn't feel right.  My daughter is only 2, and she already has the ability to comprehend why she should and should not act in certain ways.  It seemed so belittling to me.  And then I was on to my next book and boy did it bash on the 1, 2, 3 strategy.  The main criticism it had was the implications for the future.  Yes, this strategy can work well on toddlers.  But toddlerhood parallels teenage years.  Can you see a 14 year-old taking a parent seriously when they get caught doing something they are not supposed to do and they hear, "That's 1...".  Now is the time to build a deep sense of respect and obedience.

Which leads me to the next book... Love and Logic.
I like a LOT of what this book has to say.  The key here is empathy.  When your child misbehaves, treat the negative behavior as the bad guy (rather than yourself).  "Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry that you did ... ... it looks like you will have to .... (insert logical consequence here)."  The key is to think of consequences unique for each situation that make sense to logically result from the misbehavior.  This is helpful as children grow, because this is the way that the world actually works!  If a 16 year-old is driving down the high way a little too fast, they won't get a warning, "That's 1...".  They will get pulled over and receive a ticket.  The police officer is not seen as the bad guy.  The police officer observed the crime and is doing his job by giving out the punishment for that particular offense.
This strategy requires a calm disposition, a lot of patience and quick thinking.  It is not easy, but I am striving toward these ideals.  As the child gets older, they will see the parent as their partner in the journey through life.
The one component of the book that I do not like is the "energy drain" strategy.  This says that if kids are doing something draining, you should say, "You're draining my energy.  You have to do some chores now to put that energy back into me."  I don't like this for two reasons - 1) It is silly.  2) Adina loves chores right now.  If there's a night that Ze'ev needs to be in bed before she does, it is a humongous treat for her to be able to take a bath with him and then get in pajamas and come downstairs to help Mommy clean before she has to go to sleep.  I do not want to start giving her any negative associations with "chores" (I don't like this word anyways...).

Another book I have been reading has helped a lot in parenting in general, but does not really discuss the concept of teaching a child right from wrong  It gives wonderful strategies to build a child's confidence and sense of self.  This is the book, "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children."  The main gist of the philosophy is that a child is a thinking, feeling being who is entitled to their thoughts and feelings.  How many times do you hear a parent respond to, "Mommy, I'm hungry!" with, "You can't be, I just fed you!"?  This makes the child feel very small.  If a parent does not want to give the child something to eat, they could instead say, "Hm, I hear that you're saying you are hungry now.  I do not want you to eat a snack because I made a nice lunch for you and we are going to eat in 20 minutes.  Do you want to come play a game with me in the mean time?"  The other important message they convey is to avoid using labels for your children.  This of course includes not saying, "You are a bad kid,"  "You are lazy," etc...  But interestingly enough, it also includes, "You are such a good girl,"  "You are brilliant!", etc...
Why?  These labels can be overwhelming to a child.  It is much more effective to describe their actions that you appreciated.  Such as, "You used your brain very nicely to put all of those pieces of the puzzle in the right places."
Even though this book does not deal directly with disciplining, using the strategies to build the child's self worth actually minimizes the number of times I will need to use the other strategies.  When a child feels confident and happy, they don't have the same internal desire to act out.

The book I am reading right now is called, "Bringing up Bebe," about an American woman who moved to France and had a baby.  She is comparing American and French parenting styles.  I have not gotten very far in it yet, but she mentions how there is no word in French that they really use for "disciplining."  Instead they call all aspects of child-rearing "educating."  This makes so much sense.  What is discipline?  Educating your child how to be a good person and behave correctly.  When it is looked at as an educational experience, it is much easier to stay calm when repeating the same directions day after day.  No (good) teacher would yell at a kindergartner for not learning how to read soon enough.  So why should a parent yell at a child who has not yet mastered the skill of following directions?  You just teach again and again, day after day, and one day it will click.
The other big difference she sees between the American Parent and the French parent is how involved they are.  The American parent can be described as a "helicopter parent," always on top of the child, controlling every situation, and correcting every step.  The French parent is much more laid back and only "educates" when necessary.
This concept was particularly interesting to me.  With the baby components of parenting, I was quite a helicopter (and still am to some extent!)  When it comes to my kids' sleep, I will do everything in my control to make sure they get it and get it well.  Part of this is selfish, because they are different children if they get woken up prematurely.  They don't eat well, don't listen, and are just flat out grumpy.  But when it comes to all other aspects of parenting, I am trying very hard to let them do their own thing.  I try not to hover, and not to remove any obstacles which could get in the way.

I am excited to see how this process continues to unfold, as I read more and learn how different strategies affect the long-term behavior trends of the children.

This whole experience has been one more example of how being a stay-at-home Mom is the most challenging and intellectually stimulating job that I could imagine having at this point in my life.