A parent-child relationship: Mutual respect

Parents have a lot of responsibilities when it comes to child-rearing!
Yes, there are the responsibilities to feed, clothe, provide shelter, etc. to your children.  Those are the easy ones.  The hard ones don't come with such black and white, yes or no guidelines.

One particular responsibility that I have been thinking about a lot the past couple of days is teaching children what it is to respect.  First and foremost, this begins with respecting their parents.  Once that is mastered, this education extends to other adults, their friends, and everyone in the world around them.
Since it is very well-known that children do not learn from lectures, giving over a dissertation on the process of respect would be completely meaningless.   How can one impart this very important lesson to their children?

Yesterday, as I thought about this concept, it all came together.  Children are sponges, right?  So the most important contribution to their lessons in respect must be observing respectful interactions.  Yes, this of course means watching their parents treat others with respect.  But arguably more important it means being treated with respect themselves.  Not only does this serve to model how one acts respectably, but it also shows them how good it feels to be respected (on the receiving end).  As much as people deny it, on a deep level children ultimately want to make their parents feel good.  If they know how good it feels to be respected then they will treat their parents (and eventually others) in that same way.

So how do we treat children with respect?

It starts from infancy.  The Baby Whisperer is very big on respect for infants.  When you change a baby's diaper, talk through what you are going to do in the process.  Show respect for the fact that you are throwing a baby onto a table, spreading his/her legs and making their wet tushie cold by taking the diaper off.  Say, "I know this isn't so pleasant, but it's important to do so I can put a new, clean diaper on you and then you will be happy."
No matter how you decide to teach your child good sleeping habits, do it in a respectful way.  While I am not necessarily of the "Cry it out" camp, I understand the rationale of those who are.  If you believe in letting your baby cry, this might sound silly, but discuss it first.  Show them the respect of acknowledging that they are a person with emotions that is about to undergo a difficult experience.  Say, "It is very important that you learn how to sleep well.  I have decided to let you stay in your crib until you fall asleep.  I know this is difficult, and I want you to know that I love you very much, but I won't come back in the room until you wake up."  Whether the child understands what you are saying or not, you are setting the tone for a lifelong relationship of mutual respect.

Into toddlerhood, this gets a lot more complicated because it becomes a two-way conversation.  If I want Adina to use "manner words" when she makes requests of me, I must do the same when I make requests of her.  If I want her to listen to me and do what I say, I must respect her when she asks me to do things.  This does not mean I must curtail to her every beck and call.  If she says, "Mommy, can I please eat five cupcakes right now?" I am not going to say, "Of course sweetie."  But I am not going to respond with a harsh, "No!" either.  I will respectfully decline her request.  I might say, "I know those cupcakes look really good, but I don't think it is a good idea to eat five of them.  Maybe you can have one right now and we will save another one for a special treat on Shabbat."

If this is the kind of modeling behavior she observes, then I can only hope that when I say, "Adina, can you please do...."  she will respond respectfully.  She might respond affirmatively, or she might say, "Mommy, I don't want to do that right now" and open the grounds for a respectful conversation.  Since she is still 2, I will of course receive the occasional, "NO!" but I can only hope this decreases as she gets older.  I know a few moms who are experts at imbibing their children with respect, and thank G-d, their elementary aged children are some of the most respectful people, let alone children, that I know.  I can only hope I will be able to do half as good of a job in teaching respect to my own children.

A few other thoughts on internalizing a respect for your children...

About six months ago, I made a resolution to not speak negatively about Adina in her presence.  It is very common during play dates or get togethers for the Moms to discuss their child's behavior within earshot of the child.  While the child might be playing, their ears are still open.  I still find myself doing this sometimes, but I am working really hard to stop it.  The truth is, I ultimately want to avoid sharing negative components of my children's behavior at all with other people, unless it is with my husband or a close friend and for a constructive purpose.

In Judaism, there is a concept of Lashon Hara.  This literally means, "Bad language," but it refers to using your words for an unnecessary or negative purpose.  Speaking Lashon Hara is forbidden in Jewish Law.  Most often, people view this Law as an instruction to refrain from gossip, but people rarely consider it gossip if they are speaking about their own children.  But the truth is, children also feel embarassment.  Children also feel shame.  If children feel embarrassed at the hand of their own parent, the one who is supposed to love and protect them more than anyone in the world, it undermines any feeling they could have of being respected by their parent.

L'havdil (in a very different, but similar vein...)

Some of my clarity on this topic came about through experiences we had with Libby this week.  The past few months, Libby has become a progressively more difficult dog.  She was becoming very anxious.  Every time we left the house, she barked uncontrollably.  Multiple nights a week, she would bark and wake us up at 3 AM.  I don't have any young babies at home right now, and being awake from 3-5 AM with a dog was not so much fun.  I was at wits' end and on the verge of finding her a new home...
Then Yoni's parents came to visit for a long weekend.  Libby slept next to their bed (and in the bed whenever Yoni's Dad had to leave the room for a few minutes...) and during those few days, her anxiety nearly disappeared.  She sat quietly at the door and watched us leave time and again without a peep.
So after they left, and we really acknowledged the stark contrast in Libby's behavior, Yoni reluctantly made a suggestion.  He asked, "Can Libby sleep in our room?"  I have been resisting this for a very long time from the negative experiences I had during our transition to Seattle.  When we lived in a small "Temporary Living Facility" in Altus, Oklahoma for a few months, I was very pregnant (with Ze'ev), sleeping on a pull out couch and Libby had to be in the room with us.  Libby was anxious from all the transitions and woke us up multiple times a night.  But what could be worse than her barking now?  So I agreed to try it.  She has been the happiest doggy I have ever seen this week.  She sleeps quietly on our floor all night and is perfectly fine every time we leave the house during the day.  She is even significantly calmer with guests because she is not craving love and attention.  The truth is, we are not even actively giving her much more love, but simply sleeping in close proximity to her "masters" makes her feel loved and secure.
This is not meant to be an endorsement of co-sleeping, but simply an observation.  For months, I tried to teach her how I wanted her to behave with force.  Every time she barked, I got in her face and said, "NO BARK!"  She didn't want to bark, but her emotions were out of control from not feeling loved and it was her only outlet.  Now, she is so happy to finally feel in control of herself since the anxiety has subsided.  She is so happy to please us by obeying our commands.  All she needed was to feel loved and respected.

The good thing with Libby is that dogs have very poor, short-term memories.  She now acts as if we've treated her like this her whole life and never left her to sleep alone.  Children can be slightly less forgiving.  But resolve and persistence can go a long way.